Sad News

We found out today that we have not been approved to adopt internationally. I am devistated. Actually, devistated doesn't quite cover it. We are talking about pursuing alternative fertility methods, but sadly, I'm not hopeful that these procedures will work for us. If anyone has any suggestions about how I'm supposed to accept that I'm never having children please let me know.

Getting Ready For Halloween

"No, she's not kidding Scarlett...she's gonna make us wear these."

Flight of the bumblebee????????

"I'm confused....Do I have to keep this on?"

4 Months

later I decide to blog again. I'm not sure how 4 months have passed, but apparently they have. That's what happens when you're busy trying to get pregnant, adopt internationally and potty train a puppy (no, she's still not potty trained).

So, to get you caught up.... where do I begin??????

Getting pregnant...or not. We are still in the throws of trying to get pregnant. We've completed two IUI's (in-utero insemination's) without success. I was told I had 3 or 4 viable follicles for the first one and 6 viable follicles for the second. Then we had a snag with Jason's sperm count, one sample would be high and the next would be very low, so they tested his hormones. For some reason his hormone levels tested low so he went for an MRI. The MRI showed nothing. So, we have no clue why his hormones are fluctuating as drastically as they are. So, basically they've told us that we should start IVF (in-vitro fertilization). That's only gonna run $15K per shot, with no guarantees.

We've also started the international adoption process. We think we've found an internationally agency that will accept us and won't take 2 years. We've turned in all of our paperwork to INS and now we're waiting for our invitations to have our fingerprints done. Can you believe they actually send you an invitation? The INS approval process takes about 3 months so hopefully we'll know by the end of October if we're going to be able to continue down the adoption path. We've applied for Vietnam and have been doing a lot of reading up on the country (OK, I've been doing a lot of reading up). We bought a great book on domestic/international adoption and it seems as if it will be very helpful if we're approved. We've even narrowed down our baby name list. I really need to call my friend Ramsey for help with names. She's so creative I know she'll come up with some great ones. If, for some un-Godly reason we're not approved for adoption then we'll start the IVF procedures in October or November.

In the meantime, I've been trying to potty train Scarlett. She's doing better, however, we've discovered that any little change to her routine completely throws her off and it takes her days to recover. So when we go to KY to see Jason or Jason comes home, she's pooping in the house for the next 48 hours. We also discovered that all Scarlett got from our puppy classes at Pet Smart was how to be afraid of other dogs. She's fine with Sam and one or two dogs in our complex, other than that....not a fan of dogs. Wasn't like that before Pet Smart. I should write them a thank you note. She's very sweet and LOVES people, not puppies. So, one more thing for me to deal with.

In the middle of all of this I started working at a residential treatment facility for juvenile, male, sex offenders. I actually love the work, but don't get paid shit. Working 45+ hours a week for no money sucks, but like I said, I do love working with the kids. It's been very interesting and an amazing learning experience.

OK...so, now you're all caught up. Lucky you :)

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

Why is it that just when we get any kind of positive news about fertility or adoption it's followed by something negative??????????? We got the news today that we are NOT eligible to adopt from Korea. In fact, it looks like the only country we could possibly qualify for is Vietnam. I feel like we just got the doors of 30 countries slammed in our faces. It's so hard not to be frustrated, and angry, and sad. And then I feel like I'm ungrateful, because I do have so many blessings. But I want a baby and I want one now (flash to Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka).

Finally, some good news!

Well, our journey down the fertility path has been quite frustrating thus far (and we're only just beginning). We were referred to a fertility clinic and I took the initial appointment by myself. I've already discussed the tests I had done, and now it's Jason's turn. He's had his sperm analyzed twice so far. The first time, through my gynocologists office and the second through the fertility clinic. The first test showed that he had strong swimmers, but low overall volume. The second test showed low volume as well. We got two very different reports from the fertility clinic about the results of the second tests. First we were told that basically, Jason had no viable sperm. Needless to say we were devistated. Then, I called the clinic back to ask more questions and was told by the director of the lab that he did have viable sperm, but that the volume was low so we might need toYconsider in vitro, but we should sit down with the doctor. In the meantime, Jason FINALLY got in to see the urologist. We had him read the analysis results and he said that his "swimmers" were strong, and moving in the right direction, but that we needed to increase the volume. SO.... how, I ask you, does a fertility clinic allow a couple to walk out of their office thinking they won't be able to concieve when that very well may not be the case. I was LIVID! However, we were overjoyed at the news from the urologist. So, now we have some hope. Jason will need to have more tests run so we can see if there's a pattern and if we can get his volume up. Finding male fertility supplements is not easy, let me tell ya. We're still waiting to hear back from the adoption agency about Korea. They said they were checking with their office in Korea and we would know something in the next week or two. GOD bless, everyone going through this process. It requires courage, stamina, and a whole lot of faith.

Adoption

After many months struggling to get pregnant Jason and I have decided to start walking down the adoption path. I always thought I would adopt, it was more a matter of would I get pregnant first or would I adopt first. I have to admit, I completely took for granted that I would be able to conceive. I thought I would go off the pill and be pregnant within a week. No... I'm not kidding. So, needless to say it's been quite a struggle trying to wrap my head around the possiblility that I may not ever being pregnant. Jason and I are still going to try to have a baby, but in the meantime we have started contacting adoption agencies. The first thing we have to do is figure out which countries we are eligible to adopt in. Then we have to figure out which of those countries we would like to pursue. Unfortunately we're not eligible to adopt from China. Korea is also at the top of our list and we're trying to figure out if we will meet their criteria. We're keeping our fingers crossed that we get good news this week. Jason is coming home this weekend and we'll pour through the adoption brouchures and try to begin the task of sorting through the countries. All of these children are beautiful. What I have learned so far is this....the children from Korea are provided with outstanding health care. I've been told it's on par with the U.S. and Canada. Extensive background and medical information is also provided. Ethiopia also has a wonderful program from what I understand, as does Guatemala. We have considered Russia and the Ukarine, however, the level of care the children receive is horrible. Which, really means that those are the children who need homes immediately. I can already tell that this process will be pulling at our heart strings and we will have to make some very difficult decisions. So, here we are, at the beginning of a very long road. We'll keep you posted and hopefully be bringing you some very good news sometime in the not so distant future.

The Secret

How is it that before I turned 40 it seemed as though I had my life together and now....not so much. Yes, prior to 40 there were some things that needed fine tuning, some things more than others, but for the most part I was doing fairly well. I had a good job, I was doing well in school, I still had the great pad with the coolest dog on the planet.
Now....I have my Master's degree but can't find a job in my field. My husband, who was supposed to be working in Nashville, is now going to be working in Ohio. It's a great job with amazing benefits, but out of town. Can someone explain to me how we go about getting pregnant while we live in 2 different states??????
Speaking of pregnancy...we're having trouble. The testing is really taking a toll on Jason and the thought of not having a baby is taking a toll on me. I've always been very open to adoption, but was also always very excited about being pregnant. Now, pregnancy may not be an option and Jason is not excited at the thought of adoption.....so that could mean no kids. Someone, anyone, please tell me how I reconcile that one.
Fortunately we're both healthy, and I've actually lost some weight....but I have been wayyyyyyyy off track with Weight Watchers these last few weeks. I hate to say that the only part of me that's looking forward to Jason leaving is that it's good for my diet.
The puppy...Scarlett.....not potty trained. And she was a royal bitch (no pun intended) at puppy class last night. Growling and hissing at all the other puppies. That was a new one. She's very cute and very cuddly, but the world is her toilet.
I know I'm blessed. And I just started reading "The Secret"....great theory, but the book is very redundant....probably trying to pound the message into my impossibly hard head. I'm just at the part where they explain how to actually put it into action. Wish me luck. Somehow I have to figure out how to ask for what I want instead of telling the Universe what I don't want. Put out only positive. I think I can, I think I can.......

My Mid Life Crisis

I'm here to tell ya folks, the mid life crisis is real. I think I've actually been experiencing it for about a year now, but I think I've just now been able to recognize it for what it is. As I approach my 40th birthday I am experiencing an increasing sense of panic. From the outside I think it looks like I've had a great life, an exciting career with all the bells and whistles that comes along with working in the entertainment field. My life hasn't been terrible by any means. My family is somewhat sane (on the family sanity scale), I've had jobs that pay well even though they made me miserable. I have a wonderful condo and an amazing dog (the verdict is still out on the new puppy). I'm in good health except for the fat factor. It just seems that when I reach a crossroad in life I typically choose the wrong path. I think the only thing I tend to choose wisely have been my friends (thank GOD for that!) The reality is that I've always wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to have dinner ready when my husband came home and carpool the kids to school and attend PTA meetings. I wanted to be the mom that brought cupcakes to school and had my husbands boss over for dinner. Not that I wanted to be a docile wife who followed her husband around and slaved for her family, but I guess there was a part of me that wanted to be June Clever. I thought I would have a career until I had kids and then I would be a full time mom until they went to school. For someone who said they wanted family to be a priority, it appears that every decision I made since high school steered me away from being June. If you want to get married and have kids you don't go into the music business. If you want to be married and have children you don't work 18 hour days surrounded by people who also work 18 hour days and who, for the most part don't want to be married or to have children. So, here I sit, looking 40 in the face, semi-newly married, with no children. I've been to the fertility clinic and had the "major" tests run. My eggs are there, my cycles are regular and my tubes are open. My husband is also going through the process, although not as quickly as I would like. His doctors are slow (the VA) and he's no speed demon either. My sense of panic is at an all time high and I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand. The question I keep asking myself is "What have I done?" I am terrified that I won't have children. So now I'm faced with trying to reconcile my life without having children. How do I paint that new picture in my head? How do I let go of a dream that I've had for as long as I can remember? I think the cartoon above says it all..... There was a time when I looked at people who claimed they were having a mid life crisis and thought hey were full of shit. They left their partners, had affairs, bought sports cars or expensive jewlrey, they quit their jobs, went on lavish vacations, dressed as if they were 20. Now I understand...these people looked back on their lives and freaked when they realized that 40 or so years had passed and they had taken the time for granted. They had made choices they regreted or they simply re-evaluated their lives, re-prioritized, and wanted to make sure they completed certain tasks before their lives were over. They weren't full of shit afterall...they just had an awakening.

Facing 40 (part II)...

Oy Vey... how is it that I am really just weeks away from 40? I really think that any moment I am going to wake up and be 32. Really. I know I'm 32 and someone, somewhere has screwed up the math (and as bad as I am at math, I know I wouldn't have made this kind of mistake). I did make myself one promise, and I'm almost reluctant to write about it because I have a tendency to self-sabatoge....but I made myself a promise that I wouldn't turn 40 weighing what I then weighed. I knew it wasn't realistic to think that I could fit into my old jeans by my birthday, however I did want to weigh less than a certain number (that will remain un-announced.) I just might make it. It turns out that it was a realistic goal. Now I just have to stay on track. Cross your fingers and say a prayer. I would love to go into summer being able to wear my "old" clothes.

I'm still not sleeping. Baby Scarlett is very vocal so letting her scream at night is only an option if I want to take the chance that my neighbors will show up at my door with guns drawn. She's actually very vocal about everything. She barks at me to feed her, she barks because she wants out of her kennel or playpen. She barks at Sam (or me) to play with her. Basically she's a bitchy little diva, but she's cute. And they do play together well. I happened to glance up and catch them both on the pillows in our living room looking up at me and somehow managed to snap a picture with my cell phone before they both moved. They look like they're no trouble don't they?????????

Sleep....or lack there of....

I now have tremendous respect for new parents. It's been just over a week and I haven't had a good nights sleep yet. I've managed to get Scarlett on a schedule during the day but the holidays threw off our night time schedule so sleep has been scarce. The vet and the books I've read all say that it's normal for a puppy this small to wake up to potty two or three times during the night, and that she does. It's to her benefit that she's so cute because, unlike my college days, I'm not happy to see 2 AM. We're working on adjusting her food and water so that she'll hopefully sleep for longer stretches at a time. Say a prayer, and send out the sleep through the night vibes!!!

6 weeks, 3 pounds....

Welcome Baby Scarlett! Here she is. Our new little bundle of joy. I picked her up on Monday and haven't had a good nights sleep since :) She has been so much fun. I am shocked at how fearless she is. I'm not sure why I assumed she would be more timid, maybe because she's so young and so small...but that hasn't been the case. She's made herself right at home. She's taken over all of Samson's toys (yes, he's even let her play with Lammy), and she's very vocal about wanting to be fed. Samson has been amazingly patient and tolerant. He's even taken to playing with her.
Jason came home for the holidays Thursday and immediately called her Lucy. My best friend has a beautiful daughter named Lucy (Happy Early Birthday Lucy!!!) and ever since she was born Jason has named everything Lucy. The Bonzai tree he gave me (sadly I was too inept to keep it alive), a dragon in his video game. I'm surprised he didn't want to name Scarlett Lucy. After the first reminder Jason's been very good about calling her by her name. I can't believe Christmas is finally here. I think I'm going to have to put her under the tree with a bow on her head. Actually I don't think she'd sit sitll for that, but it would make a cute picture. OK...off for our last walk of the evening and then a small prayer before bed that she sleeps through the night!

Graduation

That's it. School is officially done. I've received my diploma and am ready (supposedly) to begin my new career as a counselor. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!! It's a little daunting, although not as intimidating as going back to school in the first place. The day was a little more emotional than I anticipated. It really felt like the end of a very important time for me. I loved being in school. I love learning, I loved meeting new people and learning about their lives and what motivates them. I loved tackling new subjects and challenging myself. School became a safe place for me and now it's behind me. So begins studying (yes, more studying) for my National Board Exams and applying for my state license. I'm still not positive which state (or states) I will be applying for my license in, but I'll figure that out in time. School was an amazing experience and I'm looking forward to pursuing my Doctorate.....after I take a nice long break :)

HSG

Warning, Warning...if details about the female body rude you out read no further.
OK, now that that's out of the way let me explain what HSG is. HSG is the abreviation for a fertility test with a name that uses almost all of the letters of our alphabet. In a nut shell, the test will tell you if the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. Basically they numb the cervix (yes, with an injection) and inject dye into the uterus and through the fallopian tubes. Then an Xray will show if there appears to be any blockage in the uterus or tubes. I had the pleasure (kidding) of having this test today. For starters, I HATE medical procedures. I don't mind a yearly physical or the routine dentist appointment, but anything past that and I'm a baby. I spent the past 2 weeks trying to talk myself out of the need for this test but the bottom line is that if I really want a baby (which I do), then there was no avoiding this test.
The good news, for any of you who may need to have this done in the future, is that it's not as bad as it sounds. At least it wasn't for me. May I recommend that you have your doctor do the procedure and not a radiologist and have them prescribe a pain killer for you to take prior to the procedure. There was a little cramping and some spoting, but no pain or agony. More discomfort than anything else. And the procedure is short, about 7ish minutes so you're not uncomfortable for long. And really, if the end result is a healthy baby I'd do this everyday. And for the record I didn't feel the injection which is what I feared most.
More good news....my tubes are open and all looks well. So now it's my poor husband's turn to walk down fertility test lane. Fortunately for him, his tests are not invasive and are painless. How do men get so lucky????????? So, I can go to sleep tonight very grateful that, at least for now, there does not appear to be any reason that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant.
Amen!

Facing 40

In approximately 71 days I will turn 40. 40, the BIG 40. Over the hill 40. What the F*#K?????? Sorry, but the "F" word it totally appropriate here. Old people are 40, I'm not supposed to be 40 yet. I shouldn't be that person that looks at the 20 year olds in the mall and calls them kids. I shouldn't be old enough to have kids in college. Now I'd rather be 40 than be dead, but I'd rather be 30 than 40. So, all that said, I'm afraid it's time I get my act together (again). For those of you have known me for awhile (Ramsey, I know you're the only one who reads this :) you know that my weight has been a life long struggle. I was too thin, I was too fat...kinda like Goldielocks & The Three Bears, "too this", "too that" and never just right. Well, four years ago I experienced some kind of divine intervention and was finally able to restructure my life and lose the weight I wanted to. I was working out an average of 5 days a week and was actually enjoying it. My body fat was in the range of an athlete (I have written documentation or I wouldn't have believed it myself) and I could shop in any store of my choosing. I was happy. I was really happy with myself both inside and out for the first time in my life. Then, for reasons I need not discuss in this blog (just in case Ramsey is not the only one to read this), I gained the weight back. The short version is that I experienced some heavy emotional turmoil and I fell back into my old patterns of using food to comfort myself. Through my counseling studies I discovered that I was a full blown bulimic and while I was able to control part of my bulimia I still struggle with the binging.
Now I'm staring 40 in the face and I am beyond unhappy with how I feel. In addition, I had always told myself that if I had not had children by the time I reached 40 I would give up on that dream. I've had a change of heart about children and my husband, Jason, and I are slowing walking down fertility road. In fact, I have a really intimidating procedure tomorrow morning as part of this endevor.
Starting December 1st I am going to have to regain control over my life. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to go about that yet, but I have one more day to figure it out. I have marked the date for the Music City 1/2 Marathon on my calendar. April 28th. That gives me 5 months to train. Anyone want to join me? :)
If you're not interested in reading about weight loss and fertility I'm afraid you'll be quite bored by my blogs over the next few months. If you know anyone who is struggling with their weight, self-image and/or fertiltiy feel free to give them the link to my blog. Not that I'm going to say anything profound, but I do think it can help to know that others struggle with similar issues.

Baby Scarlett

Here she is...baby Scarlett. We get to pick her up on December 18th. We're very excited and hoping that Samson adjusts quickly. Hell, I'm hoping I adjust quickly.

What is it about the holidays

that makes family members lose their minds? As far back as I can remember Thanksgiving has been my mother's favorite holiday. My mother spends days planning her menu and sets a table that rivals anything Martha Stewart's crew can create. My mother loves the holiday and she loves to make it special for her family. Some of her Thanksgiving fever has been passed along to me. It probably has more to do with the holiday being about food than anything, but that's a blog in and of itself. Anyway....my question is what is it about family gatherings that bring out the absolute worst in some people? Here you are, getting ready to spend the day (or at least a few hours) with people you're supposed to love, care about and respect; to gather to eat a meal fit for royalty and some people see this as an opportunity to rail against a captive audience. We live in a world where our fellow American's are being shipped off to war, where some people will never see tables of food like those we've seen, where what we threw away after dinner would feed their family for a week, where people will never be able to sit with their families at dinner because their loved ones have been slaughtered before their eyes, and on a day where we are encouraged to give thanks for our blessings I find myself watching various family members choosing to argue and spew hatred and venom instead of embracing their loved ones and giving genuine thanks for all they have been blessed with. What is it about the holidays?

Fresh or Frozen

That seems to be the question of the day, from babies to turkeys the question is fresh or frozen. Jason and I are just beginning our journey down fertility road, where the question has turned to fresh or frozen. And at the grocery store I am trying to figure out which is better, fresh turkey or frozen turkey? Seems that for Jason and I frozen is the way to go for babies and fresh is the way to go for turkey....go figure. I would have thought it to be the other way around.

Babies

How cute are these three little ones? One of these little girls is going to join our family come Christmas time and I am beyond excited! Did you know they make play pens for puppies? I had no idea, but I just bought one. I'm hoping that being distracted by a new puppy will get me pregnant. I know...it's sad, but it's true. I made my first visit to the fertility clinic today. It was very overwhelming, partly because I went alone. With Jason working out of town I didn't really have much choice. I was given a daunting amount of information and left utterly confused. The one thing I do remember is that she said I have plenty of eggs, which she said was a good thing. In fact, the Dr. said that I released 2 eggs last month so apparently there really was the possibility for twins. In two weeks I have to go back for another test. I will spare you the details, but the procedure does not seem pleasant, but I've been told that it only takes 15 minutes. I like it when the Dr.'s say only when they're not the ones on the table. But as I told my husband, at this point I would turn myself inside out to have a healthy child. My husband however, would only turn himself inside out for a new car or tickets to a Nebraska football game. Needless to say, I'm not really sure how to get both of us on the baby page. He is excited about the new puppy. Of course I will be the one who is home potty training the little one while he gets a full nights sleep in KS, but I'm thinking about it as practice if we have a real baby. Me up at night, while he sleeps. At this point I'd take it! Once you start the fertility process you begin to marvel at how many people actually do get pregnant. It's amazing to me the very, very small that window of opportunity really is. The only advise I can offer for anyone who wants children is HAVE THEM YOUNG! Don't wait until you travel, don't wait until you have a career, don't wait until you complete your life's to do list. If you really, truly want a child have one as soon as is realistic. I waited and had I known then what I know now I would have reprioritized my goals. Having children was always at the top of my list, yet I put everything else first. Huge mistake. Heed my words young ones. Think of me as the cool mom (OK, semi-cool mom) who you actually will listen to.

Very Romantic

Jason surprised me Friday night by taking me to Kansas City for a Cindy Lauper concert. I don't think he fully realizes how romantic I think it is that he remembers something I love and planned an evening around it. Beats a dozen roses any time! And GOD bless him, he kept it a secret. I know it probably almost killed him, in fact, he had a touch of the flu over the weekend. Probably brought on by the stress and strain of keeping a secret.

Poor Toto...

I leave for Kansas on Wednesday. I can't wait to see Jason. It's been almost 3 weeks but it feels longer. The flight is short (thank GOD) especially since I can't take my "flying medicine"... the lovely little pill that allows me to actually get to the airport, get on the plane and not hyperventilate and freak out the poor person who has to sit next to me. However, the reason I can't take the medicine is because we're trying to start a family, so when the plane takes off I'll try to think about baby names and nursery decorations. In the meantime, Samson (the only baby we currently have) has seen the suitcase come out and is less than happy. Poor thing. He hates it when I pull out a suitcase. And he misses Jason. The tone in my voice must change when I'm on the phone with Jason because Sam will paw at me until I put Jason on speaker phone. Jason, GOD love him, then talks to Sam and Sam rolls around on the phone. It's actually pretty funny...sad, but funny. I'm looking forward to spending some real time in Overland Park. When we went to Kansas the first time (my first time) we spent more time driving to Nebraska for a football game...which we watched in the rain (don't ask...I think I was a very good sport about the whole thing). We also drove past lots of corn fields. They're not called Cornhuskers for nothin'. The campus was beautiful, even in the rain. Jason said he's made big plans for the weekend and a surprise on Friday. I'm excited. I love surprises...OK...good surprises...planned surprises. (Bad surprises would include waking up with a pimple, realizing TIVO didn't record some important reality TV show and stepping on the scale to find you've gained two pounds) Jason's not very good at keeping secrets or keeping surprises a surprise (and that's putting it mildly), so every conversation starts with "Guess what we're doing on Friday?" Honey, I'm not guessing.