Lost

Have you ever felt like you weren't sure where your next breath was going to come from? Like the space around you is so full that you're suffocating, but you know there is plenty of air, you just can't figure out how to get it into your body. I'm putting on the "brave" face for everyone, smiling when I'm expected to smile, laughing when I'm expected to laugh, talking about daily events like my heart isn't broken, and then there are quiet moments like this when I realize just how lost I feel. And believe me, I know there are so many things that are so much worse than not having children.... for pete sake, one of my best friends beat cancer not long after she had her daughter, so I know there are worse things than being childless, but somehow that doesn't give me much comfort right now. The truth is that we are running out of options. I have another appointment with the fertility clinic on Friday. I'm not really sure why I'm going. My guess is that the Dr. is going to recommend tests that I probably don't need (have I shared how money grubbing they are? Have I shared how they charged me $40.00 to give me my progesterone injection....and I brought the meds, the needles, the alcohol wipes and the bandaids). Not only are we running out of options, but we're running out of time. I'm 41. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I'm way past the "cut off" date I'd given myself years ago. You know, I have these moments when I think I've even managed to convince myself that I'm okay....and then I realize that I'm not and I question how to put the puzzle back together again. Maybe the puzzle won't ever look the same. I haven't figured it out yet.

Do over....

I don't think I could be more unpregnant (unless of course we hadn't done IVF at all.) Basically we were told that if "the number" from the blood test was 5 or above then we were pregnant. They (the fertility clinic), likes the number to be 50 and then double every 2 days to indicate a strong pregnancy. We were told that the closer the number is to 5, the less likely the pregnancy will be successful. My number was less than 2. Somehow I knew on Friday because I spent the whole weekend crying, so when I got the news today it wasn't much of a surprise. More like confirmation of what I already knew. It was a relief to know regardless. It gets to the point (after 2 1/2 years) where you dread taking a pregnancy test. 30 months of negatives can be exhausting. If anyone wants to send me the name of a private adoption attorney we'd love it. I have no idea what, if anything, we're going to do next. It's hard to believe that after 2 1/2 years we've only done 2 IUI's and 1 Invitro. Not that we weren't trying on our own before this. Anyway, thank you to all of you who used up thoughts and prayers on us. I stopped begging GOD weeks ago because I think my prayers go into a vacuum, just like when I'm talking to my husband :) But GOD's much busier and I'm sure has a better reason for not listening. Anyway, thank you all again. I'll continue to keep you posted. And if anyone knows of anyone who needs fertility meds, I have TONS that I don't know if I'll use. And they were very expensive, so if I can save someone some much needed cash let me know.

Two more days....

this has been the longest week of my life. Somehow I'd managed to remain pretty stress free up until Monday. I don't know why, but it seems like my hormones and my nerves have caught up with me all of a sudden. While part of me can't wait until Monday (my first pregnancy test) part of me is dreading the possibility of getting an answer I don't want to hear. I had a meeting late this afternoon with someone who was so beyond rude and unprofessional that I still cannot belive how horrible this human being was. I was in tears driving home, completely blown away that I just had this horrible experience and all I could think about was how bad stress would be if I were pregnant. I was so upset I had to come home and take a shower to wash off the ugliness of the experience I'd just had. I think I may just stay in bed with my "Sex And The City" videos with some kind of yummy treat and wait for Monday to come.

On another note, one of the most wonderful people in the world, my friend Ramsey, is training for the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk in San Francisco. She's trying to raise money, so if anyone is interested in supporting an amazing cause, please go to http://08.the3day.org/goto/ramsey and then scroll down the page and you'll see a button that says "Donate to Ramsey". Ramsey is a survivor and was diagnosed when her baby was 15 months old. She fought the big fight and is truly one of the strongest people I know. Thank you in advance to anyone who plans on supporting Ramsey's walk!

The Big Day

Well, the big day has arrived. Last night I came home to the most beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband. He said they were my "mommy" flowers. Dare I say my husband is starting to understand romance??????????? It was wonderful. Then he took me out to dinner and we stopped by Blockbuster to stock up on movies for the weekend.

This morning we went in to the fertility clinic. This was my first day not taking the Lupron injection. We were asked to arrive an hour early. We arrived about 10:00 AM and finally went into the surgical center around 10:15. First they reviewed the paperwork with us....stay in bed for 2 days, day 3 resume "normal" activity, but take it easy. No heavy lifting, no strenuous activity. So, they gave me my progesterone injection (yes, my hips are hurting after a week) and 2 valium. I got into a hospital gown and Jason dressed in purple scrubs. Then they explained how everything was going to work and told Jason he would be able to view the embryos in a microscope in an incubator before they were transfered. They showed me some pictures of them since I would still be on the gurney. They said they were transfering 3 embryos. They said one looked great and two needed some help getting out of their "shell". They call this assisted hatching. Basically they make a slit in shell so the embryos can come out and attach to the uterine lining.

These pictures look much better if you have the actual piece of paper in your hand. But since I had to take a picture of a picture, the quality isn't as great. The one on the bottom left is the "best" one because it's the embryo that didn't need the assisted hatching. So, around 11:00 they wheeled me back. They re-configured the gurney so the bottom part dropped down and the stirrups came up. They wheeled in the incubator and Jason was able to view the embryos before they were transfered. They asked me to drink some more water because, aparently, you can see the uterus better if your bladder is full. They used ultrasound to help guide the catheder into my uterus and to the lining. Once the embryos were transfered they viewed the catheder under the microscope to make sure that they had all been transfered and weren't hanging out. Basically, the only thing I felt was the speculum. Other than that, I didn't really feel anything. They took out the stitch (YAY!) but I don't remember feeling it. Then they re-configured the gurney and drove me back to the recovery room. By the time I got back to the recovery room I really needed to visit the ladies room. They said I could use a bed pan or wait an hour. Thanks. I didn't like my options. I opted to wait. It was painful. It was actually the worst part of the whole thing. I was in agony. Jason, GOD bless him, was trying to comfort me, saying "you can do it," and "you're doing great. Just a few more minutes." I wanted to kill him. Now I know how a woman in labor must feel when her partner is trying to be supportive and she's in pain. Everytime he said something I felt worse. He really was being so kind and supportive. He kept poking his head out and asking the nurse if it "was time yet." FINALLY, I was able to get up and visit the ladies room. I was so happy! Then we came home and the bed rest began. So, here I am for the next 2 days, lying in bed. Trying to will the little embryos to attach and grow. Thank you to everyone who has called or emailed their support. We so appreciate your kind words!!!

Not as bad as I thought

OK, for those of you who know me, I'm completely neurotic. Which today, happened to work to my advantage. I had myself completely worked up about this "stitch" procedure I had to have today. I had made myself so sick that by this morning I thought I was getting the flu. Of course the doctor and the nurse practitioner kept saying, "it's not bad. I promise," but I can promise you that neither one of them have had this done. However, they were right. It wasn't horrible. There was a little pinching, but nothing that made my eyes tear up. It really took all of 5-10 minutes and I was done. So, for anyone who has to have this done, never fear. Take it from someone who has actually had it done. You'll spend more time freaking out and making it worse in your head than it will actually be. I also had my first progesterone injection today. That also, was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I was really expecting to feel like I was being stabbed, and I barely felt it. Fortunately my friend from work is a nurse and she's got a great touch. Now, I expect that my hips are going to get quite sore after a time, but my doctor gave me a prescription for some kind of cream that you put on the injection site about an hour before you get the shot and it numbs the area. You have to put some kind of plastic wrap or plastic bandage over the cream. I haven't done it yet, but I'll let you know how it works. Friday's the big day! And a ticket to lounge in bed all weekend. We'll see how well that works out :)

More than you needed to know...

OK, I'm about to give some of you folks more information than you've ever wanted to know, but for anyone who is dealing with fertility drama, this could be helpful. So, the Estradiol pills were making me VERY dizzy/fuzzy feeling. It sorta felt like a perpetual hangover. In fact, someone at work told me I looked stoned. Not good. So, I called my doctor and said that I was taking the 4 pills and was VERY concerned about taking 8 since I could barely function taking 4. My doctor says insert the pills vaginally. WHA??? But, because I'm desparate to have a child I did what I was told. Let me tell you it saved my sanity. No dizzyness, no fuzzyness, some nausea and a few headaches, but overall MUCH better than before. Who knew? And aparently it worked very well because my lining (uterus lining) is ready for the embryos! YIPPIE! Monday I go in for my stitch. Arggggggggggg. I am having such anxiety I can't even tell you. I also start my progesterone on Monday. Basically, Monday's gonna suck, but if a healthy baby is the result then I'll deal. I'll have a progesterone shot everyday from Monday on. I'll also keep taking the Estradiol pills. At some point I back down to 4, but I can't remember which day. I take my last Lupron shot next Thursday (just when I'm getting the hang of it.) Friday morning, if all goes well and the babies thaw correctly, I go in for the transfer. Aparently I'm supposed to go in with a "full bladder," because the ultrasound works better if your bladder has liquid in it. Who knew? They've perscribed 2 Valium (thank you GOD) because they want me very relaxed...no trauma to the hopeful mommy they said. I said, why can't I have a Valium on Monday when they are jabbing needles into my cervix? Then I come home and lie in bed all weekend. Jason is going to be miserable walking the dogs all day, but he'll have to get over it. I've done the heavy lifting so far, he can take care of the puppies for 2 days. Then 10 days after my transfer I take a pregnancy test. They want me to go in for a blood test and not use the store bought kits. If my "levels" are higher than 50 it's looking good. 2 days later I go in for another pregnancy test. If my levels are 100 or higher it's looking good. 2 days later I go in for my last pregnancy test. If my levels are at 150 then I can tell everyone I'm pregnant. Actually, I'd rather wait unitl I make it out of my first trimester but I don't know how that's going to work seeing that I'm married to the town crier. 7-10 days after my last pregnancy test I go in for my 6 week ultrasound. The doctor said "you'll be able to see and hear a heartbeat by then," which is when I completely disolved into tears. I told her that she can't say that kind of stuff to me yet because I'll fall apart. No intercourse or orgasms until I take all of my pregnancy tests and if we're pregnant, no sex for the first 8 weeks. This will be a dream come true for my husband... but that's for another day. So, that's the news for now. I'll keep you posted. And I'll give details about the "big" progesterone shots. Oy Vey!

Day two

of taking 4 Estradiol pills. Holy cow! I don't know if I can accurately describe how it feels. I'm sick to my stomach in the morning. I would say it's like morning sickness, but since I've never been pregnant/had morning sickenss I don't know if I would be accurate. The good news is that this liquid anti-nausea medication helps tons. It's generic, and tastes like cherries. I found it at Kroger and Walgreens (in case anyone is looking). The rest of the time I feel very fuzzy. I feel like I'm talking in slow motion and I have a difficult time stringing sentences together. This is not very conducive to driving to work or actually getting any work done. It's kinda like being stoned, but not as fun (not that I would really remember, it's been so long). Anyway, I called the doctor and said that I wasn't trying to be a pain in the ass, but there was no way I was going to be able to take 8 a day if 4 was already making me stupid. So, now I wait to see what they tell me. All in all it's not been terrible...not fun, but not terrible. I don't want anyone to think I'm complaining, because I know many women really suffer from the negative side effects. All I know is that the women who have put themselves through this process time after time, deserve an award. I know how much I want a baby, and I don't know how many times I would be able to make it through this process. Not that I don't want to do this as many times as it takes, because I would. But I don't know that mentally and physically I'll be able to hang through 4,5,6 of these. I don't know if we will be blessed enough to have this work the first time. I'm sure it happens to some people, and I'm trying to stay positive. Will keep you posted.

P.S. My spelling sucks on a good day, so coupled with the meds, there's not much hope that I'm going to spell the big words correctly.

I hope I'm not jinxing anything....

but Jason and I started IVF. OK...really I started since Jason doesn't have to take any meds. I wasn't going to write about this because I am terrified that I'm going to jinx this, but then I thought about all of the women who battle fertility and thought that maybe I, in some small way, could help or support someone else. Jason and I have done two IUI's with no success. We've been trying for over 2 years, but with Jason working out of town, "trying" has been difficult. Then we ran into problems with Jason's sperm count. Basically they said his volume was low and you need about 10 million sperm for an IUI. You lose about 1/2 of the sample when they thaw the sperm so you either need to have a husband/donar with a high sperm count or you need 2 vials. Because of the meds Jason takes getting any sperm was an issue. Needless to say, this was a big blow to Jason (and me), but it was hard on his ego.

So... at the end of December the clinic started me on the birth control pill. I'm still not real sure why...I think to have more control over my system. They also gave both Jason and I antibiotics to take for 10 days. Mine gave me a bad rash and made me nauseous. Then, about three days after I was done with my pills I started Lupron injections, 20 units every morning. The Lupron is given to give the doctors a "clean slate" to work with. Basically they put you into a menopause of sorts, and tell you that the side effects will be the same as if you were going through menopause. Fortunately I've only had a few hot flashes. My mood swings haven't been too bad (at least I don't think so), but I say a little prayer everyday in hopes that my side effects remain minimal. The Lupron injection sites are under your belly button and across your abdomen, your upper thigh and the back of your upper arms. Since I have to inject myself my stomach was the easiest place to get to. I also thought it would hurt the least. I was terrified to give myself the injections, but the needles are VERY small and I have enough fat (sadly) that when I pinch my skin and jab myself it doesn't really hurt. I also started putting a piece of ice where I'm injecting myself to numb the skin. It does help some. Once a week I go to the clinic for blood work and an ultrasound. The week after I started my Lupron I went for the blood work and ultrasound. At this point I think I could give myself the ultrasound. Anyway, they found a cyst on my right ovary, which of course posed a problem. My suppression level was very high, about 293, and it needs to be around 50 so I was a little panicked. My IVF nurse told me to stick with the 20 units of Lupron and hope that the cyst would shrink.

The next Monday I went in for another blood test and another ultrasound. Fortunately the cyst shrunk to half it's size. YAY! I was told to lower my Lupron to 10 units each morning and 3 days later I was to start taking Estradiol, one pill in the morning and one in the evening. Estradiol is to make the lining of my uterus all cushy for the embryos. I was told that the Estradiol would ease the menopause type symptoms from the Lupron and might make me tired. The bottle warns of headaches, but I haven't really experienced that yet. I've been a little fuzzy and feel like I'm moving in slow motion so I guess it's the Estraidol. This past Monday I went for bloodwork only. My Estradiol level was "good" not really sure what that means exactly and I was told to continue my 10 units of Lupron in the morning and to start taking 4 Estradiol pills a day. This Saturday I'm supposed to start taking 8 Estraidol pills a day. I'm a little nervous about it making me too fuzzy to work, but I'll have to wait to see how my body reacts. Next Monday I go in for another blood test and another ultrasound. If my lining looks good then we schedule the transfer. About days before the transfer I start taking Progesterone injections. These are intramuscular, which means there is a very big needle (18 gadge) that goes into my tush or the back of my thigh. I have to get these everyday. Now, I had to find someone to give me these and fortunately a very nice woman at work said she would help me. If I'm fortunate enough to get pregnant I'll have to continue the Progesterone injections for 10 weeks. In addition to helping the Estradiol make my uterus lining "cushy," the Progesterone helps to avoid miscarriage. Progesterone is often given to women who have miscarried in hopes that they will make it through the first trimester.

Now.... just because my poor cervix hasn't suffered enough, my IVF nurse tells me that they have to "put in a stitch." What the hell is that I asked? Basically they tie a piece of thread to the wall of my cervix so they can pull on it when they thread the catheder into my uterus (please excuse the horrible spelling). So, I have to go in a few days prior to the transfer for this lovely procedure. "You don't have many nerve endings in your cervix," she tells me. I ask if she's had this done, and of course, no. I ask for drugs, which she tells me I "don't need." Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, yea. I need them lady. I need to tell "them" to use some topical numbing stuff before they give me a numbing injection, before they stick a needle and thread in my cervix. What the hell am I doing and is someone really going to tell me that I may not get pregnant after all of this???????????? What the fuck?

I just took my first 2 Estradiol pills together. I thought I'd take the one in the morning, like I have been, and take 2 with dinner in case I pass out or get nauseous. Then I'll take my 4th pill before bed.

Really, the whole process hasn't physically been as horrible as I thought I would be, but I think GOD has smiled upon me and given me a huge break (at least so far). Now, if he/she will give me a break and let me have a baby... a happy, healthy one to be exact... then life as I know it would be good. I'll write more as things happen. Hopefully by the end of February I'll be writing that our pregnancy test was positive and come November we will be having a baby. We will happily accept any positive vibes, prayers and good thoughts anyone wants to send our way.

How is it

That I'm about to turn 41 and I feel like I just got out of college? Where did 20 years go? I just started my hormone shots for IVF and as much as I want a child and to experience motherhood(there's nothing I can think of that I want more), there is part of me that think's "I'm too young to be a mom. How can I be someone's mom?" It seems like such a big job. Can I even do it? How badly will I screw up my kid? What happened to my 20's and 30's? I was watching TV the other night and there was a woman who was about to celebrate her 40th birthday. I sat there and thought...."I'm older than her. Do I look older than her?" There are so many aspects of my life that didn't turn out the way I had planned. Not that I'm complaining about my life, because I feel very blessed and if I had followed the path I thought I should follow who knows where I would be now. However, could that be the reason that I feel so off kilter? Am I the only one who is confused? How is a woman in her 40's supposed to feel and act? Would I feel like this if I had already had kids? Maybe I would feel more like an adult if that were the case. Who knows? I do know that a positive pregnancy test would be THE most amazing birthday gift.

Happy Holidays!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1672293451

Now and Then

Almost one year ago we brought Scarlett home. This Sunday will be one year since Samson and I drove to pick up little tiny. Actually she's not quite so tiny anymore, small, but we still call her tiny. She makes me laugh everyday. And I remember these moments when I'm watching her pee on the carpet just inches from her pee pad. How she gets it one minute and not the next is beyond me, but she's cute and lucky for her. Everyday I come home from work wondering what she's going to surprise me with. Wednesday I came home to have Samson greet me at the door.... alone. Needless to say, I immediately thought "she's stuck somewhere." Sure enough, I hear barking coming from the back hallway. She had jumped over the baby gate and was sitting in the hallway between the bedrooms. Why she decided she needed to be back there I'll never know, but there she was, barking her head off. Aparently she couldn't make it back over. I then turn around to find Samson and he's sitting in the middle of the living room, where I see that two of the Christmas stockings are no longer hanging from the fireplace, but are now on the living room floor. And Samson's looking at me like "I don't know why you left those where she could get them and now she's on the other side of the baby gate and you know I didn't do this." There are the stockings I had just bought for them, chewed to bits. Not only that, but she had gutted one of their stuffed toys and there was stuffing all over the floor. It looked like it had snowed in the living room. And again, Sam is looking at me like "you got her, you did this, you clean it up." I swear if he could talk. So, I cleaned up the living room, while Sam watched and Scarlett tore into another toy. And I laughed. I hate that Jason misses these moments. Not so he could clean it up, because that wouldn't happen, but so he could laugh with me. These are the little things I remember when I'm having a bad day or I'm sad about our fertility problems. I wish everyone had these moments. And maybe everyone does and they don't stop to enjoy them. But they should.

F*$&

Can you swear on these blogs and not get tossed? Have you ever thought that if you started screaming you might not ever stop?????????? Well, that's where I'm at. We have no where near started our road down the fertility path and I'm about to lose it. We've been at this for over a year now. Over a year and we've only done 2 IUI's and we JUST found out about embryo adoption. Why the F*$& didn't our doctor tell us about this a year ago????????? Why did I have to start asking random questions that turned the light on in her head???????? Why on earth do they not lay out every single option you might be able to explore right up front? We could have explored some of these options months ago. Now, thousands of dollars later, we're finding out about more options. Good GOD, you would think this wouldn't be so difficult. There are thousands of girls out there getting pregnant who can no more raise a child than I can speak Russian and I can't F*$& get pregnant. I am so flipping angry I can't even find words. )(*&(*^*^*%*&%(&^%(*&

Ahhhhhhhhhh family

We're all going to Dad's place for the holidays... all the kids, all five of us, our spouses, four grandbabies and three dogs. My dad and step-mom have decided we need to take a "family photo." Oh joy! So, we've all been instructed to wear khaki or tan pants with white or blue shirts. So, basically we're all going to look like we work at the Olive Garden. Not that that's a bad thing... I was a hostess at the OG when I was in high school. However, I hate getting my picture taken. Hate it. Did I say I hate it? I'd rather go to the gyno quite frankly. And to make matters even worse, I weigh more now that I ever have (ok, not quite, but close enough) and I am fighing tooth and nail to get back to sitcking to weight watchers. It is such a tremendous battle for me. I don't know how I did it before and did it so well. I can't remember what motivated me and how I found the will power, but I can't for the life of me get it together now. So, I've got a handful of days to lose more weight than I want to admit and it's not going to happen. Be reasonable....that's what I keep telling myself. Two pounds a week and watch the Biggest Loser every Tuesday. Oy Vey!

Tis the season...

for people to lose their minds at the mall. It is truly unbelieveable to me how people behave before the holidays. Jason and I went to the mall today, and I'm constantly amazed at the crowds. All these people in one place to buy things for people that they don't need, or won't like. Isn't the holiday season supposed to be about the birth of a saviour and oil lasting 8 days instead of one night, about kindness and love and hope??? So, there I am in the mall, wandering....thinking about the progesterone shots my Dr. just told me I'd have to give myself ("big needle," she says. As opposed to the "small needle" I'll be using the 4 weeks prior for the lupron)....wondering how on earth I'm going to jab myself everday with this "big needle" (I hate needles)....and there's this baby, just sitting in a stroller, looking blissful...and I realize how I'm going to jab myself everyday with this "big needle." And then I think that a baby is the only gift I ever want to get, for the rest of my life... just one healthy baby. No more birthday, valentine's day, anniversary, chanukkah or christmas gifts.... just one baby this year and I'm good for eternity. I'm going to send my letter to Santa. Maybe he can get the message to the folks upstairs.

Rules to Live By...

The Rules
1. The female makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.

4. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.

7. If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.

8. The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.

9. The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.

10. The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.

14. The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.

15. The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or co-workers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.

16. If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviours she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behaviour.

17. Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not- withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defences, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.

Poked Again...

And not in a good way :) Just when I think they've tested all they can test.... I find out I need more tests. Now, getting 4 vials of blood may not seem like a big deal, but when you have non existant veins like mine, it's a pain, literally. BUT, I'd do it again in a second to get the baby we so hope for. I have 2 more Dr appointments this Friday and Jason has one more and then (hopefully) we're done with the testing. Then, I think, we start the meds. Actually I start the meds and then we pray. OK...we're in a constant state of prayer, but you get the picture. In the meantime, if I don't lose weight I'm really going to look like a weeble. You know, the ones that wobble but don't fall down, except that I'm clumsy so falling down would be an option for me. I've been off the Weight Watchers wagon for far too long and I need to get my fat butt back in shape. Jason and I have been talking about going to Italy next year and I'd like to look back at the pictures and not think about how fat I've gotten. Not to mention that my baby brother is finally getting married next May and I'm supposed to stand up for him. So, another set of pictures I'd like to look back at fondly. Anyway, that's the update for now.

Turkeys and Babies

Happy Turkey Day....or day after Turkey Day. We just finished putting up our tree. We usually buy the tree Thankgiving eve, but we held off this year. We did continue our tradition of getting up at an obscene hour (3:45 AM) to go shop for things we don't need. Somehow we're always done with our holiday shopping before Thanksgiving, yet we continue to wake up in the middle of the night to go shop. This is actually the first year we bought anything. Actually there were two more gifts we needed to get, but other than that, we bought a bunch of crap.

Today we had our meeting with the fertility counselor. I think things went pretty well. She was very nice and gave us some good questions to ask when we go back to the fertility clinic. Nothing too exciting, but I'm very anxious to start the process. Jason and I both have more blood work to do... which baffles me because I feel like we've both given enough blood to fill a blood bank. That said, if they want more blood, then that's what they'll get. Hopefully we'll be able to get the process started in the next few weeks and try for a baby in January.

Who knew ?

Who knew you could adopt embryos??????????? I think I'd heard something about it before because it didn't sound too unfamiliar when our fertility specialist mentioned it. I had yet another appointment with the fertility center this week. I told our doctor that we had been turned down for adoption and that we were thinking about using donor sperm since Jason's count is so erratic. I also told her that now that I was married, using donor sperm seemed a little strange. I had researched sperm banks when I was single and thinking about trying to get pregnant on my own, and was perfectly fine with the idea. Our doctor then said that she wasn't aware that we were considering these kinds of alternative options and asked if we knew about embryo adoption/donation. So, now we have an entirely new option to look at. When one door closes another one opens. This option seems to meet both of my desires: to actually get pregnant and have a baby and to adopt. And it's much less invasive and much less expensive than going through the in vitro process. I haven't told my parents about this option yet. I think they would both be supportive and encouraging, but I don't want anyone to know until we actually get pregnant. So, basically the only one who will know anything is my awesome friend Ramsey, who is the only one who gives a shit enough to actually read my blog. I feel like I'm writing her a letter every time I post something. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. We now have to get MORE tests done and hopefully we can get started in January!

Sad News

We found out today that we have not been approved to adopt internationally. I am devistated. Actually, devistated doesn't quite cover it. We are talking about pursuing alternative fertility methods, but sadly, I'm not hopeful that these procedures will work for us. If anyone has any suggestions about how I'm supposed to accept that I'm never having children please let me know.

Getting Ready For Halloween

"No, she's not kidding Scarlett...she's gonna make us wear these."

Flight of the bumblebee????????

"I'm confused....Do I have to keep this on?"