Lost

Have you ever felt like you weren't sure where your next breath was going to come from? Like the space around you is so full that you're suffocating, but you know there is plenty of air, you just can't figure out how to get it into your body. I'm putting on the "brave" face for everyone, smiling when I'm expected to smile, laughing when I'm expected to laugh, talking about daily events like my heart isn't broken, and then there are quiet moments like this when I realize just how lost I feel. And believe me, I know there are so many things that are so much worse than not having children.... for pete sake, one of my best friends beat cancer not long after she had her daughter, so I know there are worse things than being childless, but somehow that doesn't give me much comfort right now. The truth is that we are running out of options. I have another appointment with the fertility clinic on Friday. I'm not really sure why I'm going. My guess is that the Dr. is going to recommend tests that I probably don't need (have I shared how money grubbing they are? Have I shared how they charged me $40.00 to give me my progesterone injection....and I brought the meds, the needles, the alcohol wipes and the bandaids). Not only are we running out of options, but we're running out of time. I'm 41. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I'm way past the "cut off" date I'd given myself years ago. You know, I have these moments when I think I've even managed to convince myself that I'm okay....and then I realize that I'm not and I question how to put the puzzle back together again. Maybe the puzzle won't ever look the same. I haven't figured it out yet.

Do over....

I don't think I could be more unpregnant (unless of course we hadn't done IVF at all.) Basically we were told that if "the number" from the blood test was 5 or above then we were pregnant. They (the fertility clinic), likes the number to be 50 and then double every 2 days to indicate a strong pregnancy. We were told that the closer the number is to 5, the less likely the pregnancy will be successful. My number was less than 2. Somehow I knew on Friday because I spent the whole weekend crying, so when I got the news today it wasn't much of a surprise. More like confirmation of what I already knew. It was a relief to know regardless. It gets to the point (after 2 1/2 years) where you dread taking a pregnancy test. 30 months of negatives can be exhausting. If anyone wants to send me the name of a private adoption attorney we'd love it. I have no idea what, if anything, we're going to do next. It's hard to believe that after 2 1/2 years we've only done 2 IUI's and 1 Invitro. Not that we weren't trying on our own before this. Anyway, thank you to all of you who used up thoughts and prayers on us. I stopped begging GOD weeks ago because I think my prayers go into a vacuum, just like when I'm talking to my husband :) But GOD's much busier and I'm sure has a better reason for not listening. Anyway, thank you all again. I'll continue to keep you posted. And if anyone knows of anyone who needs fertility meds, I have TONS that I don't know if I'll use. And they were very expensive, so if I can save someone some much needed cash let me know.