Now and Then

Almost one year ago we brought Scarlett home. This Sunday will be one year since Samson and I drove to pick up little tiny. Actually she's not quite so tiny anymore, small, but we still call her tiny. She makes me laugh everyday. And I remember these moments when I'm watching her pee on the carpet just inches from her pee pad. How she gets it one minute and not the next is beyond me, but she's cute and lucky for her. Everyday I come home from work wondering what she's going to surprise me with. Wednesday I came home to have Samson greet me at the door.... alone. Needless to say, I immediately thought "she's stuck somewhere." Sure enough, I hear barking coming from the back hallway. She had jumped over the baby gate and was sitting in the hallway between the bedrooms. Why she decided she needed to be back there I'll never know, but there she was, barking her head off. Aparently she couldn't make it back over. I then turn around to find Samson and he's sitting in the middle of the living room, where I see that two of the Christmas stockings are no longer hanging from the fireplace, but are now on the living room floor. And Samson's looking at me like "I don't know why you left those where she could get them and now she's on the other side of the baby gate and you know I didn't do this." There are the stockings I had just bought for them, chewed to bits. Not only that, but she had gutted one of their stuffed toys and there was stuffing all over the floor. It looked like it had snowed in the living room. And again, Sam is looking at me like "you got her, you did this, you clean it up." I swear if he could talk. So, I cleaned up the living room, while Sam watched and Scarlett tore into another toy. And I laughed. I hate that Jason misses these moments. Not so he could clean it up, because that wouldn't happen, but so he could laugh with me. These are the little things I remember when I'm having a bad day or I'm sad about our fertility problems. I wish everyone had these moments. And maybe everyone does and they don't stop to enjoy them. But they should.

F*$&

Can you swear on these blogs and not get tossed? Have you ever thought that if you started screaming you might not ever stop?????????? Well, that's where I'm at. We have no where near started our road down the fertility path and I'm about to lose it. We've been at this for over a year now. Over a year and we've only done 2 IUI's and we JUST found out about embryo adoption. Why the F*$& didn't our doctor tell us about this a year ago????????? Why did I have to start asking random questions that turned the light on in her head???????? Why on earth do they not lay out every single option you might be able to explore right up front? We could have explored some of these options months ago. Now, thousands of dollars later, we're finding out about more options. Good GOD, you would think this wouldn't be so difficult. There are thousands of girls out there getting pregnant who can no more raise a child than I can speak Russian and I can't F*$& get pregnant. I am so flipping angry I can't even find words. )(*&(*^*^*%*&%(&^%(*&