The toll infertility takes on a marriage

is tremendous. I really think the fertility clinics should make counseling mandatory. This process has been very difficult for Jason in a very different way than it's been difficult for me. It's definately a hit to the ego for both of us. No man wants to discuss his low sperm counts and no woman wants to admit that she can't carry a child. For Jason and I that's about where the similarity ends. Jason's attitude is "I don't care where we get a child, let's just get one." The process is of little condequence. I'm the one who has to actually live the process. I'm the one calling adoption agencies, investigating international adoption, jamming needles into myself daily and pumping myself full of hormones trying to conceive. I think Jason would make a great father and I think he does want a child, but he would like to avoid the process as much as possible. Unfortunately this makes it very difficult for me because I then feel like I'm doing this by myself. Yes, financially he's invested as much as I have and he's gone to a couple of appointments (difficult with him working out of town) and was there for the first transfer, but I'm pretty much on my own with this. He's not really up for in depth conversations about what's going on. He wants a summary of what's going on and then we're on to the next topic. I know it's hard to be married to a woman who has been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 2 1/2 years but it's not been easy for me to be married to a man who appears to be unable to give me some emotional support when I need it most. I'm sure if you ask Jason his perspective is completely different than mine and somewhere in between lies the truth. When I look back at our wedding pictures I think about how I assumed that at this point in our marriage we would have two kids and might be discussing a third, and wish that I could go back and feel that hopeful again.

I'm supressed

We've begun round 2. We chose our new profile and I started the lupron injections about 2 weeks ago. I had a very difficult time choosing our embryos this time. The eggs in one of the profiles was from a jewish woman who has her masters degree in professional counseling, so naturally I connected with that profile immediately. The "problem" is that the woman was 32 and the woman from the other profile was 26. The younger the egg the better so our doctor encouraged us to choose the second profile. We ended up choosing the profile our doctor recommended because at the end of the day, if we didn't get pregnant, I didn't want to wonder what would have happened if I'd listened to the doctor. Of course, now if we don't get pregnant I'll wonder if I shouldn't have gone with my gut. ARGGGGGGGG!
I went in for my first ultra sound and blood test (first for this round anyway) this morning and got the call this afternoon that I'm suppressed. Basically that means that I can lower my lupron dosage from 20 units to 10 units and begin my estrace. I start with 2 a day and then move to 4 on the 20th and 8 on the 24th. If all goes well and my levels are good when I test again on the 26th, we'll transfer on June 6th. In the meantime I have road rage ALL the time, in the car, out of the car.... where ever. Everything annoys me. Everyone annoys me. I annoy me. The hormones are really getting to me this time. I'm going to start walking tomorrow. Maybe a little exercise will help me manage my aggrivation.
I also started accupuncture a few weeks ago. They say (my brother says) it increases your chances of conception by 15%. I'll take any % I can get. So, more needles for me. Yippee!! Although my brother has never needled me, I know how he practices and how he tends to his clients. My doctor should take a lesson. He comes in, makes me stick out my tounge, asks if I'm on track, leaves while I climb on the table under some towels, comes back in, takes 5 minutes (if that) to stick me and leaves for 25 minutes. I then have 25 minutes to lie on the table and try not to make my self crazy. I do not do well lying and doing nothing. Give me a book, a puzzle, a TV, something... but do not make me lie still with nothing to do. I do not know how to relax. Anyway, then he comes back in and takes out the needles and says "see ya next week." The end. My brother would be appalled.

I Do

John finally did it. He's married. He and Julie got married at a beautiful club in Westbury, New York.

The gardens were amazing.

Yes, they did the chair dance!

That's my husband, Jason, in the middle, trying to lift my brother's chair. Oy Vey!


Me and my brother's best man before the wedding.

My mom and my brother at the rehearsal dinner.