Facing 40

In approximately 71 days I will turn 40. 40, the BIG 40. Over the hill 40. What the F*#K?????? Sorry, but the "F" word it totally appropriate here. Old people are 40, I'm not supposed to be 40 yet. I shouldn't be that person that looks at the 20 year olds in the mall and calls them kids. I shouldn't be old enough to have kids in college. Now I'd rather be 40 than be dead, but I'd rather be 30 than 40. So, all that said, I'm afraid it's time I get my act together (again). For those of you have known me for awhile (Ramsey, I know you're the only one who reads this :) you know that my weight has been a life long struggle. I was too thin, I was too fat...kinda like Goldielocks & The Three Bears, "too this", "too that" and never just right. Well, four years ago I experienced some kind of divine intervention and was finally able to restructure my life and lose the weight I wanted to. I was working out an average of 5 days a week and was actually enjoying it. My body fat was in the range of an athlete (I have written documentation or I wouldn't have believed it myself) and I could shop in any store of my choosing. I was happy. I was really happy with myself both inside and out for the first time in my life. Then, for reasons I need not discuss in this blog (just in case Ramsey is not the only one to read this), I gained the weight back. The short version is that I experienced some heavy emotional turmoil and I fell back into my old patterns of using food to comfort myself. Through my counseling studies I discovered that I was a full blown bulimic and while I was able to control part of my bulimia I still struggle with the binging.
Now I'm staring 40 in the face and I am beyond unhappy with how I feel. In addition, I had always told myself that if I had not had children by the time I reached 40 I would give up on that dream. I've had a change of heart about children and my husband, Jason, and I are slowing walking down fertility road. In fact, I have a really intimidating procedure tomorrow morning as part of this endevor.
Starting December 1st I am going to have to regain control over my life. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to go about that yet, but I have one more day to figure it out. I have marked the date for the Music City 1/2 Marathon on my calendar. April 28th. That gives me 5 months to train. Anyone want to join me? :)
If you're not interested in reading about weight loss and fertility I'm afraid you'll be quite bored by my blogs over the next few months. If you know anyone who is struggling with their weight, self-image and/or fertiltiy feel free to give them the link to my blog. Not that I'm going to say anything profound, but I do think it can help to know that others struggle with similar issues.