Tired

doesn't even really cover it. Neither does exhausted, but I'm too tired and exhaused to think of an appropriate word. I haven't gone to my follow up fertility appointment yet. I just haven't had the wearwithall to go and listen to the doctor tell me what I need to do next. What really frustrates me is that they dole out information on a need to know basis, instead of telling me everything up front. It's like... "Oh, by the way....the sperm count should really be _____" or "By the way, your embryos are grade B, and A's the best, but most of the embryos we transfer are B." Gee...how about you tell me all of this up front????????????????? Speak slowly and in english and tell me EVERYTHING I need to know. We're spending a shitload of money and getting minimal information and loads of aggrivation. In the meantime, I fear adoption of any kind is not going to be an option for us, unless someone knows a pregnant kid who agrees to have us adopt their baby and we hire an attorney off the street. At this point I'm hoping that the doctor will let us either try another shot at IVF or give me hope for IUI's with donor sperm. The next option is trying to find a surrogate and I can't even imagine trying to go down that road.
The depression has been overwhelming and all consuming. I have no desire to do anything...not even eat (which should tell you something). Every day that I make it out of bed is truly a miracle. All I want to do is pull the covers up over my head and stay put until someone tells me how I can have a baby. I was organizing a closet right after we got the news that we weren't pregnant and I was going through old photo albums. All I could think of was "pitch them....no one is ever going to look at these, so why have them take up space." Then I started looking around the house. I have shelves of childrens books that I've been collecting since college (for my non existant children). I have a hall closet full of stuffed animals and baby clothes... and for what????????????? A child that I can't have. And part of me can't bear to give any of it away. I don't know why. There are plenty of children who could use these things. And then I thought, who am I going to give the things that were handed down to me from my parents and grandparents??????? Who is going to come to my funeral????? I know all of this may seem morbidally depressing, but this is what's going through my mind as I try to make sense of what my world will be like without children. I have plenty of friends who have no desire to have kids, and I can't help but wonder what they live for? What gives their lives meaning? I guess it's just an entirelly different mindset if you never wanted kids versus having always wanted kids. I know I'm rambling. I'm just so profoundly sad, and really this is my only opportunity to "talk." I can't talk to family about this and since I got married I hardly ever see my friends (my fault, not his).... Jason's sick of hearing about babies every 2 1/2 seconds and I feel lonlier than I've ever felt in my life.