My Mid Life Crisis

I'm here to tell ya folks, the mid life crisis is real. I think I've actually been experiencing it for about a year now, but I think I've just now been able to recognize it for what it is. As I approach my 40th birthday I am experiencing an increasing sense of panic. From the outside I think it looks like I've had a great life, an exciting career with all the bells and whistles that comes along with working in the entertainment field. My life hasn't been terrible by any means. My family is somewhat sane (on the family sanity scale), I've had jobs that pay well even though they made me miserable. I have a wonderful condo and an amazing dog (the verdict is still out on the new puppy). I'm in good health except for the fat factor. It just seems that when I reach a crossroad in life I typically choose the wrong path. I think the only thing I tend to choose wisely have been my friends (thank GOD for that!) The reality is that I've always wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to have dinner ready when my husband came home and carpool the kids to school and attend PTA meetings. I wanted to be the mom that brought cupcakes to school and had my husbands boss over for dinner. Not that I wanted to be a docile wife who followed her husband around and slaved for her family, but I guess there was a part of me that wanted to be June Clever. I thought I would have a career until I had kids and then I would be a full time mom until they went to school. For someone who said they wanted family to be a priority, it appears that every decision I made since high school steered me away from being June. If you want to get married and have kids you don't go into the music business. If you want to be married and have children you don't work 18 hour days surrounded by people who also work 18 hour days and who, for the most part don't want to be married or to have children. So, here I sit, looking 40 in the face, semi-newly married, with no children. I've been to the fertility clinic and had the "major" tests run. My eggs are there, my cycles are regular and my tubes are open. My husband is also going through the process, although not as quickly as I would like. His doctors are slow (the VA) and he's no speed demon either. My sense of panic is at an all time high and I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand. The question I keep asking myself is "What have I done?" I am terrified that I won't have children. So now I'm faced with trying to reconcile my life without having children. How do I paint that new picture in my head? How do I let go of a dream that I've had for as long as I can remember? I think the cartoon above says it all..... There was a time when I looked at people who claimed they were having a mid life crisis and thought hey were full of shit. They left their partners, had affairs, bought sports cars or expensive jewlrey, they quit their jobs, went on lavish vacations, dressed as if they were 20. Now I understand...these people looked back on their lives and freaked when they realized that 40 or so years had passed and they had taken the time for granted. They had made choices they regreted or they simply re-evaluated their lives, re-prioritized, and wanted to make sure they completed certain tasks before their lives were over. They weren't full of shit afterall...they just had an awakening.