Our Website

My wonderful brother made us a website so we can share all of our pictures and pregnancy tales with our friends and family. Please visit us at www.thekennedytwins.com. If you are interested in a website for your family, you can email John (my brother) at wingchun@wingchunonline.com.

Ultrasounds

I wish I could have an ultrasound every week. I know they do them weekly in the last month or so, but it sure would be reassuring if we could start now. My old ultrasound person at the fertility clinic said that I might begin to feel the babies at 16 weeks since there are two of them, but I'm not sure if I'm feeling anything. Between the nausea and the gas I think that's all I've been feeling. I've spent a lot of time attempting to differentiate where the feelings are coming from, my stomach or my uterus. Oh well, I'm just going to have to be patient and hang in there until the 26th.

I can't wait to find out who these little people are going to be...what will their favorite color be? Will they love cheesecake as much as Jason and I do (although right now my guess is no)? Will they enjoy sports, art, music, reading????????? What will make them cry, laugh and smile? I want to say that I can't wait to meet them, but I know the longer they stay put the better. February will come soon enough. Remind me that I said that when I'm throwing up 7 times a day :)

17 weeks

and counting. I can't believe it. Apparently the dynamic duo don't like solid foods. Are these really my kids???????????? Who doesn't like food? First it was sweets.... now it's all solids. I'm a little over soup and popsicles. The babies don't like jello so that went the way of solids. Basically I haven't kept down solids since last Sunday (a week from today). I am impatiently waiting for my ultrasound on the 26th so we can find out how well they're doing. I'm so worried about my lack of nutrition/their lack of nutrition. Something bit me today and I freaked thinking it would poison the babies. I took Benadryl hoping that all of a sudden it would have magical powers that will erridicate the poison out of my system. Oy vey.

Things no one tells you about being pregnant...

Morning sickness can last all day, and past the first trimester. Morning sickness feels like the stomach flu on a good day and food poisioning on a bad day. Throwing up does not always make you feel better. Nose bleeds are common during pregnancy, as are headaches. You may lose control of your bladder long before you "get big," i.e... I pee when I sneeze. I pee when I throw up. I pee when I cough. Sleep can be difficult long before you "get big." The muscles that are between your upper thigh and your pelvic area stretch to accomodate your uterus, which can feel like cramping, which can then scare the daylights out of you. You may lose your taste for your favorite foods. I LOVE sweets (normally). Not only do I not want to eat them, it's the first thing that I throw up. Aparently the kids will not be inheriting mommy's sweet tooth. You will look forward to your ultrasounds like it's Christmas. There is NOTHING like seeing your little one all snuggled up in your tummy (ok uterus, tummy sounds cuter), growing like a weed.

We did it!

I've been so worried about jinxing anything that I've been reluctant to share the wonderful news. We have been doubally blessed and are expecting twins in late February (22nd actually). Everything seemed to be "right" about this time. Our transfer went very smoothly. The "grade" of our embryos were almost as perfect as you can get. I didn't have the crazy bladder agony that I had immediately following our first transfer. About 2 nights after the transfer I noticed that I was having very vivid dreams. Crystal clear. That was my first sign. Then we got our first test results. The numbers were great. Same for our second and third tests. The clinic said they couldn't be sure about multiples at that time, but the numbers indicated it may be a possiblity. Then we went for our first ultrasound.

Jason was there, crossing his fingers for one baby. "One and done," he kept saying. Then she told us she saw two babies. I looked over my shoulder, convinced she was talking to someone else. "Two and through" I said to my very flustered husband. Needless to say, we were on cloud nine. About a week after the ultrasound I began feeling very tired. I'm not a big napper because when I nap I can't sleep at night. I literally came home from work and slept for 3 hours and then went to bed by 10 and slept soundly through the night. I was exhausted. Then around the end of June the "morning sickness" hit. What no one tells you is that "morning sickness" can last all day. And last all day, almost everyday it has since then. I'm taking Zofran and Phrenergren and sometimes it seems to help, and sometimes nothing. It's like a cross between having the flu (on a good day) and having food poisioning. I've never experienced anything like it. I'm wearing the seaband's on my wrists, drinking/eating ginger, toast, blah, blah, blah..... I've discovered, when I'm sick, I'm sick and that's just all there is to it. At 11 weeks we had our Neuchal test...basically they measure the babies neck/s and take my blood and then figure out the chances of the babies having some abnormality. Mostly it tests for trisomy & down syndrome. The test came back "normal," which was great news. The test isn't 100%, but close. Next we wait for 20 weeks for an anamolies test. I think it's another ultrasound, but don't have the details. Fairly non-invasive from what I understand. So, I'm crossing my fingers that this morning sickness is almost over. I'm 14 weeks on Sunday. Apparently you're not officially into your 2nd trimester until you've finished your 13th week, so maybe a miracle will happen and I'll wake up feeling human tomorrow. The picture is from a great website called http://www.babycenter.com/. It's better than any of the 3 books I bought. We didn't get pictures from our last ultrasound so these will have to do. Any "morning sickness" relief suggestions are welcome.

June 6th

Is the day of our transfer. So far everything has been on track, no cysts, no skewed numbers... everything as it should be. I'm praying for strong embryos. They looked great pre-freeze, but you never know how they are going to thaw and for some unknown reason, the strongest usually don't survive the thaw. (FYI...the strongest sperm don't usually survive thawing either). I get my new meds schedule tomorrow. I'll probably start the progesterone this weekend and dial down the estrace, look forward to stoping the lupron (YAY!)and then....prepare for embryos! Right now I'm feeling very at peace with things. For a while I was a complete mess. Very doubtful, yet forging ahead. It was as if my body and mind were ready to quit but my heart wouldn't and won't let go of the dream. So, I'm starting to study the Kabbalah and trying to zen out before the 6th. I am a very blessed woman and I am very hopeful that it's my time to share my wonderful world with a child.

Falling Apart

I am a complete mess and I don't even care. I finally decided to check out some fertility blogs. At first I found it depressing, but after reading through a few I felt a connection. People writing the things I'm thinking. For a minute I didn't feel alone. Basically I'm doing this all by myself. Yes, my husband is contributing financially, but he has no clue as to what I am mentally, physically and emotionally going through. I've been on the verge of tears all day and I'm tired of holding them back. We had dinner with Jason's parents tonight. They are great, but his dad starting talking about how they have been praying for us to get pregnant and I almost lost it. Jason snapped at me before dinner and I almost lost it. Driving home I almost lost it. I'm tired of trying to hold it together. I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face. I'm tired of negative pregnancy tests, failed IVF's and feeling alone.

The toll infertility takes on a marriage

is tremendous. I really think the fertility clinics should make counseling mandatory. This process has been very difficult for Jason in a very different way than it's been difficult for me. It's definately a hit to the ego for both of us. No man wants to discuss his low sperm counts and no woman wants to admit that she can't carry a child. For Jason and I that's about where the similarity ends. Jason's attitude is "I don't care where we get a child, let's just get one." The process is of little condequence. I'm the one who has to actually live the process. I'm the one calling adoption agencies, investigating international adoption, jamming needles into myself daily and pumping myself full of hormones trying to conceive. I think Jason would make a great father and I think he does want a child, but he would like to avoid the process as much as possible. Unfortunately this makes it very difficult for me because I then feel like I'm doing this by myself. Yes, financially he's invested as much as I have and he's gone to a couple of appointments (difficult with him working out of town) and was there for the first transfer, but I'm pretty much on my own with this. He's not really up for in depth conversations about what's going on. He wants a summary of what's going on and then we're on to the next topic. I know it's hard to be married to a woman who has been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 2 1/2 years but it's not been easy for me to be married to a man who appears to be unable to give me some emotional support when I need it most. I'm sure if you ask Jason his perspective is completely different than mine and somewhere in between lies the truth. When I look back at our wedding pictures I think about how I assumed that at this point in our marriage we would have two kids and might be discussing a third, and wish that I could go back and feel that hopeful again.

I'm supressed

We've begun round 2. We chose our new profile and I started the lupron injections about 2 weeks ago. I had a very difficult time choosing our embryos this time. The eggs in one of the profiles was from a jewish woman who has her masters degree in professional counseling, so naturally I connected with that profile immediately. The "problem" is that the woman was 32 and the woman from the other profile was 26. The younger the egg the better so our doctor encouraged us to choose the second profile. We ended up choosing the profile our doctor recommended because at the end of the day, if we didn't get pregnant, I didn't want to wonder what would have happened if I'd listened to the doctor. Of course, now if we don't get pregnant I'll wonder if I shouldn't have gone with my gut. ARGGGGGGGG!
I went in for my first ultra sound and blood test (first for this round anyway) this morning and got the call this afternoon that I'm suppressed. Basically that means that I can lower my lupron dosage from 20 units to 10 units and begin my estrace. I start with 2 a day and then move to 4 on the 20th and 8 on the 24th. If all goes well and my levels are good when I test again on the 26th, we'll transfer on June 6th. In the meantime I have road rage ALL the time, in the car, out of the car.... where ever. Everything annoys me. Everyone annoys me. I annoy me. The hormones are really getting to me this time. I'm going to start walking tomorrow. Maybe a little exercise will help me manage my aggrivation.
I also started accupuncture a few weeks ago. They say (my brother says) it increases your chances of conception by 15%. I'll take any % I can get. So, more needles for me. Yippee!! Although my brother has never needled me, I know how he practices and how he tends to his clients. My doctor should take a lesson. He comes in, makes me stick out my tounge, asks if I'm on track, leaves while I climb on the table under some towels, comes back in, takes 5 minutes (if that) to stick me and leaves for 25 minutes. I then have 25 minutes to lie on the table and try not to make my self crazy. I do not do well lying and doing nothing. Give me a book, a puzzle, a TV, something... but do not make me lie still with nothing to do. I do not know how to relax. Anyway, then he comes back in and takes out the needles and says "see ya next week." The end. My brother would be appalled.

I Do

John finally did it. He's married. He and Julie got married at a beautiful club in Westbury, New York.

The gardens were amazing.

Yes, they did the chair dance!

That's my husband, Jason, in the middle, trying to lift my brother's chair. Oy Vey!


Me and my brother's best man before the wedding.

My mom and my brother at the rehearsal dinner.

New Carpet

Oh happy day... we got new carpet. I've been in the condo for over 10 years (can you believe it?) and since Scarlett (aka Tiny) decided to use the back hallway for her potty spot we couldn't hold off any longer. Now, both pooches have been threatened within an inch of their little furry lives that there is to be no peeing or puking and daddy has been told no shoes...socks only! See....picture to the right is old carpet... no photos of the new carpet yet. This is also a picture that dates back to when Sam didn't totally want to kill Scarlett. I think he didn't realize that she was permanent back then.

Anyway, next a new ceiling fan for the living room and Jason's talking about new tile for the bathrooms. Actually he's talking about a walk in shower for one of the bathrooms...he's concerned that soon he'll be too old to sit in a tub.... are we supposed to be thinking about that yet?????????? I think no since we're still trying to have a baby...how is he going to chase a toddler if he can't lift his legs to get into a tub????

14 days and counting...

My baby brother (he's 37, not so much of a baby anymore), is getting married in 14 days. I can't even believe it. Actually, I'll believe it when I see it, but I think he's actually going to go through with it. His fiance is wonderful and he's unbelieveably lucky. Jason and I will actually get to spend a whole 11 days together! YIPPEE! John's getting married in New York so Jason and I will get to spend a few days in the city before we go to Long Island for the big day. We've got plans to go to the theatre and to a ball game and I'm sure we'll eat ourselves silly. I'm just really looking forward to some down time with my hubby. Pray for cool weather! On a different note, I'm getting more than tired of this living apart crap. I would have thought it would have gotten easier, but no. We've decided that when Jason goes to his next job that I'm going to go with him. We're going to keep the condo in Nashville and come back on the weekends. In the meantime, we're still not sure where or when he'll be moved to the next site, so we wait. And while we wait, we're also waiting to start our second round of IVF. They've got me on the pill and I'm waiting for them to tell me when to start the Lupron. Here we go again..... fifth times a charm??????????

Which way do we go?????????

Well, as some of you know, my husband travels for work. Actually, it's more like he works out of town, so primarily he lives out of town. Anyway, a few weeks ago we were told that he would be relocated to St. Louis. We both got excited. Researched St. Louis. Jason found beautiful lofts in a very puppy friendly, historic neighborhood. The leasing agent sent us beautiful pictures of our loft to be. I was already arranging furniture....and then his company said "Houston, we have a problem." Aparently there's a glitch with the St. Louis project (Jason explained, but I don't understand) and now they're telling him he may be going to Middletown, OH (just north of Cincinnati). As excited as we were about St. Louis, Jason thinks he'll be happier working with the folks in Middletown and ultimately that's the most important thing. In the meantime, I'm waiting to get my period so we can go for round 2 of IVF. I'm going to incorporate accupuncture this time. It can't hurt (I don't think). We're still trying to find a good adoption attorney. Aparently there are plenty of attorneys who will file the paperwork, but we've got to find the child. Good grief.... if we could find the child we wouldn't be having this problem.

How much can a marriage withstand?????

In our very short marriage (3 1/2 years), my husband and I have jumped quite a few hurdles... Alcoholism, bankruptcy, back surgery, 2 cancer scares, living apart, infertility and more. Fortunately nothing life threatening, but certainly life changing, and very taxing on our marriage. I'm flat out tired, and so is Jason. We've been to counseling and it's almost impossible to do living apart. How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel? There's not a lack of love or desire to remain married (at least not on my end, it wouldn't be fair for me to speak for him), but I do often question if love is enough. I know that the hardest work reaps the biggest rewards, but I had no idea it would be this hard. Did I mention I'm tired? At this point I'm not sure where to draw strength from, but boy do I need it.

What's next?????????????

Well i've spent the past week trying to figure out what's next. My fertility doctor is on spring break...figures....so I feel like I've been treading water. I can't get in to see her until the 3rd. I've decided to incorporate an accupuncturist into this crazy mix. I just need to find a good one. Our old IVF nurse recommended one and I'm going to try to get in to see him this week. I'm also going to try to see my gynocologist. Maybe she'll have some idea of what to try next. I have no idea if we'll be able to try embryo adoption again, which leaves sperm donors and surrogates. That's it. Two options. A possible lousy 2 options left (unless we can try the embryo adoption again)....so maybe 3 lousy options. Unless of course one of these options produces a baby, then it will be a wonderful option. I was at Old Navy over the weekend and as I was walking toward the store there was a woman screaming at her child. She was trying to put the kid (she looked littleish) in a car seat and the woman was just screaming. And her child was crying. And then I burst into tears, walked back to my car, drove home and got back into bed. It was all I could do not to yell at the woman, but I knew if I started I probably wouldn't stop. I don't know if/when this gets easier. It dawned on me yesterday that I'm 41. For some reason I thought I was still 40....I was wrong. How old do I have to get before I admit that I'm old enough to be someone's grandmother and that it would be unfair to have a child??????????

Tired

doesn't even really cover it. Neither does exhausted, but I'm too tired and exhaused to think of an appropriate word. I haven't gone to my follow up fertility appointment yet. I just haven't had the wearwithall to go and listen to the doctor tell me what I need to do next. What really frustrates me is that they dole out information on a need to know basis, instead of telling me everything up front. It's like... "Oh, by the way....the sperm count should really be _____" or "By the way, your embryos are grade B, and A's the best, but most of the embryos we transfer are B." Gee...how about you tell me all of this up front????????????????? Speak slowly and in english and tell me EVERYTHING I need to know. We're spending a shitload of money and getting minimal information and loads of aggrivation. In the meantime, I fear adoption of any kind is not going to be an option for us, unless someone knows a pregnant kid who agrees to have us adopt their baby and we hire an attorney off the street. At this point I'm hoping that the doctor will let us either try another shot at IVF or give me hope for IUI's with donor sperm. The next option is trying to find a surrogate and I can't even imagine trying to go down that road.
The depression has been overwhelming and all consuming. I have no desire to do anything...not even eat (which should tell you something). Every day that I make it out of bed is truly a miracle. All I want to do is pull the covers up over my head and stay put until someone tells me how I can have a baby. I was organizing a closet right after we got the news that we weren't pregnant and I was going through old photo albums. All I could think of was "pitch them....no one is ever going to look at these, so why have them take up space." Then I started looking around the house. I have shelves of childrens books that I've been collecting since college (for my non existant children). I have a hall closet full of stuffed animals and baby clothes... and for what????????????? A child that I can't have. And part of me can't bear to give any of it away. I don't know why. There are plenty of children who could use these things. And then I thought, who am I going to give the things that were handed down to me from my parents and grandparents??????? Who is going to come to my funeral????? I know all of this may seem morbidally depressing, but this is what's going through my mind as I try to make sense of what my world will be like without children. I have plenty of friends who have no desire to have kids, and I can't help but wonder what they live for? What gives their lives meaning? I guess it's just an entirelly different mindset if you never wanted kids versus having always wanted kids. I know I'm rambling. I'm just so profoundly sad, and really this is my only opportunity to "talk." I can't talk to family about this and since I got married I hardly ever see my friends (my fault, not his).... Jason's sick of hearing about babies every 2 1/2 seconds and I feel lonlier than I've ever felt in my life.

Lost

Have you ever felt like you weren't sure where your next breath was going to come from? Like the space around you is so full that you're suffocating, but you know there is plenty of air, you just can't figure out how to get it into your body. I'm putting on the "brave" face for everyone, smiling when I'm expected to smile, laughing when I'm expected to laugh, talking about daily events like my heart isn't broken, and then there are quiet moments like this when I realize just how lost I feel. And believe me, I know there are so many things that are so much worse than not having children.... for pete sake, one of my best friends beat cancer not long after she had her daughter, so I know there are worse things than being childless, but somehow that doesn't give me much comfort right now. The truth is that we are running out of options. I have another appointment with the fertility clinic on Friday. I'm not really sure why I'm going. My guess is that the Dr. is going to recommend tests that I probably don't need (have I shared how money grubbing they are? Have I shared how they charged me $40.00 to give me my progesterone injection....and I brought the meds, the needles, the alcohol wipes and the bandaids). Not only are we running out of options, but we're running out of time. I'm 41. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I'm way past the "cut off" date I'd given myself years ago. You know, I have these moments when I think I've even managed to convince myself that I'm okay....and then I realize that I'm not and I question how to put the puzzle back together again. Maybe the puzzle won't ever look the same. I haven't figured it out yet.

Do over....

I don't think I could be more unpregnant (unless of course we hadn't done IVF at all.) Basically we were told that if "the number" from the blood test was 5 or above then we were pregnant. They (the fertility clinic), likes the number to be 50 and then double every 2 days to indicate a strong pregnancy. We were told that the closer the number is to 5, the less likely the pregnancy will be successful. My number was less than 2. Somehow I knew on Friday because I spent the whole weekend crying, so when I got the news today it wasn't much of a surprise. More like confirmation of what I already knew. It was a relief to know regardless. It gets to the point (after 2 1/2 years) where you dread taking a pregnancy test. 30 months of negatives can be exhausting. If anyone wants to send me the name of a private adoption attorney we'd love it. I have no idea what, if anything, we're going to do next. It's hard to believe that after 2 1/2 years we've only done 2 IUI's and 1 Invitro. Not that we weren't trying on our own before this. Anyway, thank you to all of you who used up thoughts and prayers on us. I stopped begging GOD weeks ago because I think my prayers go into a vacuum, just like when I'm talking to my husband :) But GOD's much busier and I'm sure has a better reason for not listening. Anyway, thank you all again. I'll continue to keep you posted. And if anyone knows of anyone who needs fertility meds, I have TONS that I don't know if I'll use. And they were very expensive, so if I can save someone some much needed cash let me know.

Two more days....

this has been the longest week of my life. Somehow I'd managed to remain pretty stress free up until Monday. I don't know why, but it seems like my hormones and my nerves have caught up with me all of a sudden. While part of me can't wait until Monday (my first pregnancy test) part of me is dreading the possibility of getting an answer I don't want to hear. I had a meeting late this afternoon with someone who was so beyond rude and unprofessional that I still cannot belive how horrible this human being was. I was in tears driving home, completely blown away that I just had this horrible experience and all I could think about was how bad stress would be if I were pregnant. I was so upset I had to come home and take a shower to wash off the ugliness of the experience I'd just had. I think I may just stay in bed with my "Sex And The City" videos with some kind of yummy treat and wait for Monday to come.

On another note, one of the most wonderful people in the world, my friend Ramsey, is training for the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk in San Francisco. She's trying to raise money, so if anyone is interested in supporting an amazing cause, please go to http://08.the3day.org/goto/ramsey and then scroll down the page and you'll see a button that says "Donate to Ramsey". Ramsey is a survivor and was diagnosed when her baby was 15 months old. She fought the big fight and is truly one of the strongest people I know. Thank you in advance to anyone who plans on supporting Ramsey's walk!

The Big Day

Well, the big day has arrived. Last night I came home to the most beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband. He said they were my "mommy" flowers. Dare I say my husband is starting to understand romance??????????? It was wonderful. Then he took me out to dinner and we stopped by Blockbuster to stock up on movies for the weekend.

This morning we went in to the fertility clinic. This was my first day not taking the Lupron injection. We were asked to arrive an hour early. We arrived about 10:00 AM and finally went into the surgical center around 10:15. First they reviewed the paperwork with us....stay in bed for 2 days, day 3 resume "normal" activity, but take it easy. No heavy lifting, no strenuous activity. So, they gave me my progesterone injection (yes, my hips are hurting after a week) and 2 valium. I got into a hospital gown and Jason dressed in purple scrubs. Then they explained how everything was going to work and told Jason he would be able to view the embryos in a microscope in an incubator before they were transfered. They showed me some pictures of them since I would still be on the gurney. They said they were transfering 3 embryos. They said one looked great and two needed some help getting out of their "shell". They call this assisted hatching. Basically they make a slit in shell so the embryos can come out and attach to the uterine lining.

These pictures look much better if you have the actual piece of paper in your hand. But since I had to take a picture of a picture, the quality isn't as great. The one on the bottom left is the "best" one because it's the embryo that didn't need the assisted hatching. So, around 11:00 they wheeled me back. They re-configured the gurney so the bottom part dropped down and the stirrups came up. They wheeled in the incubator and Jason was able to view the embryos before they were transfered. They asked me to drink some more water because, aparently, you can see the uterus better if your bladder is full. They used ultrasound to help guide the catheder into my uterus and to the lining. Once the embryos were transfered they viewed the catheder under the microscope to make sure that they had all been transfered and weren't hanging out. Basically, the only thing I felt was the speculum. Other than that, I didn't really feel anything. They took out the stitch (YAY!) but I don't remember feeling it. Then they re-configured the gurney and drove me back to the recovery room. By the time I got back to the recovery room I really needed to visit the ladies room. They said I could use a bed pan or wait an hour. Thanks. I didn't like my options. I opted to wait. It was painful. It was actually the worst part of the whole thing. I was in agony. Jason, GOD bless him, was trying to comfort me, saying "you can do it," and "you're doing great. Just a few more minutes." I wanted to kill him. Now I know how a woman in labor must feel when her partner is trying to be supportive and she's in pain. Everytime he said something I felt worse. He really was being so kind and supportive. He kept poking his head out and asking the nurse if it "was time yet." FINALLY, I was able to get up and visit the ladies room. I was so happy! Then we came home and the bed rest began. So, here I am for the next 2 days, lying in bed. Trying to will the little embryos to attach and grow. Thank you to everyone who has called or emailed their support. We so appreciate your kind words!!!

Not as bad as I thought

OK, for those of you who know me, I'm completely neurotic. Which today, happened to work to my advantage. I had myself completely worked up about this "stitch" procedure I had to have today. I had made myself so sick that by this morning I thought I was getting the flu. Of course the doctor and the nurse practitioner kept saying, "it's not bad. I promise," but I can promise you that neither one of them have had this done. However, they were right. It wasn't horrible. There was a little pinching, but nothing that made my eyes tear up. It really took all of 5-10 minutes and I was done. So, for anyone who has to have this done, never fear. Take it from someone who has actually had it done. You'll spend more time freaking out and making it worse in your head than it will actually be. I also had my first progesterone injection today. That also, was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I was really expecting to feel like I was being stabbed, and I barely felt it. Fortunately my friend from work is a nurse and she's got a great touch. Now, I expect that my hips are going to get quite sore after a time, but my doctor gave me a prescription for some kind of cream that you put on the injection site about an hour before you get the shot and it numbs the area. You have to put some kind of plastic wrap or plastic bandage over the cream. I haven't done it yet, but I'll let you know how it works. Friday's the big day! And a ticket to lounge in bed all weekend. We'll see how well that works out :)

More than you needed to know...

OK, I'm about to give some of you folks more information than you've ever wanted to know, but for anyone who is dealing with fertility drama, this could be helpful. So, the Estradiol pills were making me VERY dizzy/fuzzy feeling. It sorta felt like a perpetual hangover. In fact, someone at work told me I looked stoned. Not good. So, I called my doctor and said that I was taking the 4 pills and was VERY concerned about taking 8 since I could barely function taking 4. My doctor says insert the pills vaginally. WHA??? But, because I'm desparate to have a child I did what I was told. Let me tell you it saved my sanity. No dizzyness, no fuzzyness, some nausea and a few headaches, but overall MUCH better than before. Who knew? And aparently it worked very well because my lining (uterus lining) is ready for the embryos! YIPPIE! Monday I go in for my stitch. Arggggggggggg. I am having such anxiety I can't even tell you. I also start my progesterone on Monday. Basically, Monday's gonna suck, but if a healthy baby is the result then I'll deal. I'll have a progesterone shot everyday from Monday on. I'll also keep taking the Estradiol pills. At some point I back down to 4, but I can't remember which day. I take my last Lupron shot next Thursday (just when I'm getting the hang of it.) Friday morning, if all goes well and the babies thaw correctly, I go in for the transfer. Aparently I'm supposed to go in with a "full bladder," because the ultrasound works better if your bladder has liquid in it. Who knew? They've perscribed 2 Valium (thank you GOD) because they want me very relaxed...no trauma to the hopeful mommy they said. I said, why can't I have a Valium on Monday when they are jabbing needles into my cervix? Then I come home and lie in bed all weekend. Jason is going to be miserable walking the dogs all day, but he'll have to get over it. I've done the heavy lifting so far, he can take care of the puppies for 2 days. Then 10 days after my transfer I take a pregnancy test. They want me to go in for a blood test and not use the store bought kits. If my "levels" are higher than 50 it's looking good. 2 days later I go in for another pregnancy test. If my levels are 100 or higher it's looking good. 2 days later I go in for my last pregnancy test. If my levels are at 150 then I can tell everyone I'm pregnant. Actually, I'd rather wait unitl I make it out of my first trimester but I don't know how that's going to work seeing that I'm married to the town crier. 7-10 days after my last pregnancy test I go in for my 6 week ultrasound. The doctor said "you'll be able to see and hear a heartbeat by then," which is when I completely disolved into tears. I told her that she can't say that kind of stuff to me yet because I'll fall apart. No intercourse or orgasms until I take all of my pregnancy tests and if we're pregnant, no sex for the first 8 weeks. This will be a dream come true for my husband... but that's for another day. So, that's the news for now. I'll keep you posted. And I'll give details about the "big" progesterone shots. Oy Vey!

Day two

of taking 4 Estradiol pills. Holy cow! I don't know if I can accurately describe how it feels. I'm sick to my stomach in the morning. I would say it's like morning sickness, but since I've never been pregnant/had morning sickenss I don't know if I would be accurate. The good news is that this liquid anti-nausea medication helps tons. It's generic, and tastes like cherries. I found it at Kroger and Walgreens (in case anyone is looking). The rest of the time I feel very fuzzy. I feel like I'm talking in slow motion and I have a difficult time stringing sentences together. This is not very conducive to driving to work or actually getting any work done. It's kinda like being stoned, but not as fun (not that I would really remember, it's been so long). Anyway, I called the doctor and said that I wasn't trying to be a pain in the ass, but there was no way I was going to be able to take 8 a day if 4 was already making me stupid. So, now I wait to see what they tell me. All in all it's not been terrible...not fun, but not terrible. I don't want anyone to think I'm complaining, because I know many women really suffer from the negative side effects. All I know is that the women who have put themselves through this process time after time, deserve an award. I know how much I want a baby, and I don't know how many times I would be able to make it through this process. Not that I don't want to do this as many times as it takes, because I would. But I don't know that mentally and physically I'll be able to hang through 4,5,6 of these. I don't know if we will be blessed enough to have this work the first time. I'm sure it happens to some people, and I'm trying to stay positive. Will keep you posted.

P.S. My spelling sucks on a good day, so coupled with the meds, there's not much hope that I'm going to spell the big words correctly.

I hope I'm not jinxing anything....

but Jason and I started IVF. OK...really I started since Jason doesn't have to take any meds. I wasn't going to write about this because I am terrified that I'm going to jinx this, but then I thought about all of the women who battle fertility and thought that maybe I, in some small way, could help or support someone else. Jason and I have done two IUI's with no success. We've been trying for over 2 years, but with Jason working out of town, "trying" has been difficult. Then we ran into problems with Jason's sperm count. Basically they said his volume was low and you need about 10 million sperm for an IUI. You lose about 1/2 of the sample when they thaw the sperm so you either need to have a husband/donar with a high sperm count or you need 2 vials. Because of the meds Jason takes getting any sperm was an issue. Needless to say, this was a big blow to Jason (and me), but it was hard on his ego.

So... at the end of December the clinic started me on the birth control pill. I'm still not real sure why...I think to have more control over my system. They also gave both Jason and I antibiotics to take for 10 days. Mine gave me a bad rash and made me nauseous. Then, about three days after I was done with my pills I started Lupron injections, 20 units every morning. The Lupron is given to give the doctors a "clean slate" to work with. Basically they put you into a menopause of sorts, and tell you that the side effects will be the same as if you were going through menopause. Fortunately I've only had a few hot flashes. My mood swings haven't been too bad (at least I don't think so), but I say a little prayer everyday in hopes that my side effects remain minimal. The Lupron injection sites are under your belly button and across your abdomen, your upper thigh and the back of your upper arms. Since I have to inject myself my stomach was the easiest place to get to. I also thought it would hurt the least. I was terrified to give myself the injections, but the needles are VERY small and I have enough fat (sadly) that when I pinch my skin and jab myself it doesn't really hurt. I also started putting a piece of ice where I'm injecting myself to numb the skin. It does help some. Once a week I go to the clinic for blood work and an ultrasound. The week after I started my Lupron I went for the blood work and ultrasound. At this point I think I could give myself the ultrasound. Anyway, they found a cyst on my right ovary, which of course posed a problem. My suppression level was very high, about 293, and it needs to be around 50 so I was a little panicked. My IVF nurse told me to stick with the 20 units of Lupron and hope that the cyst would shrink.

The next Monday I went in for another blood test and another ultrasound. Fortunately the cyst shrunk to half it's size. YAY! I was told to lower my Lupron to 10 units each morning and 3 days later I was to start taking Estradiol, one pill in the morning and one in the evening. Estradiol is to make the lining of my uterus all cushy for the embryos. I was told that the Estradiol would ease the menopause type symptoms from the Lupron and might make me tired. The bottle warns of headaches, but I haven't really experienced that yet. I've been a little fuzzy and feel like I'm moving in slow motion so I guess it's the Estraidol. This past Monday I went for bloodwork only. My Estradiol level was "good" not really sure what that means exactly and I was told to continue my 10 units of Lupron in the morning and to start taking 4 Estradiol pills a day. This Saturday I'm supposed to start taking 8 Estraidol pills a day. I'm a little nervous about it making me too fuzzy to work, but I'll have to wait to see how my body reacts. Next Monday I go in for another blood test and another ultrasound. If my lining looks good then we schedule the transfer. About days before the transfer I start taking Progesterone injections. These are intramuscular, which means there is a very big needle (18 gadge) that goes into my tush or the back of my thigh. I have to get these everyday. Now, I had to find someone to give me these and fortunately a very nice woman at work said she would help me. If I'm fortunate enough to get pregnant I'll have to continue the Progesterone injections for 10 weeks. In addition to helping the Estradiol make my uterus lining "cushy," the Progesterone helps to avoid miscarriage. Progesterone is often given to women who have miscarried in hopes that they will make it through the first trimester.

Now.... just because my poor cervix hasn't suffered enough, my IVF nurse tells me that they have to "put in a stitch." What the hell is that I asked? Basically they tie a piece of thread to the wall of my cervix so they can pull on it when they thread the catheder into my uterus (please excuse the horrible spelling). So, I have to go in a few days prior to the transfer for this lovely procedure. "You don't have many nerve endings in your cervix," she tells me. I ask if she's had this done, and of course, no. I ask for drugs, which she tells me I "don't need." Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, yea. I need them lady. I need to tell "them" to use some topical numbing stuff before they give me a numbing injection, before they stick a needle and thread in my cervix. What the hell am I doing and is someone really going to tell me that I may not get pregnant after all of this???????????? What the fuck?

I just took my first 2 Estradiol pills together. I thought I'd take the one in the morning, like I have been, and take 2 with dinner in case I pass out or get nauseous. Then I'll take my 4th pill before bed.

Really, the whole process hasn't physically been as horrible as I thought I would be, but I think GOD has smiled upon me and given me a huge break (at least so far). Now, if he/she will give me a break and let me have a baby... a happy, healthy one to be exact... then life as I know it would be good. I'll write more as things happen. Hopefully by the end of February I'll be writing that our pregnancy test was positive and come November we will be having a baby. We will happily accept any positive vibes, prayers and good thoughts anyone wants to send our way.

How is it

That I'm about to turn 41 and I feel like I just got out of college? Where did 20 years go? I just started my hormone shots for IVF and as much as I want a child and to experience motherhood(there's nothing I can think of that I want more), there is part of me that think's "I'm too young to be a mom. How can I be someone's mom?" It seems like such a big job. Can I even do it? How badly will I screw up my kid? What happened to my 20's and 30's? I was watching TV the other night and there was a woman who was about to celebrate her 40th birthday. I sat there and thought...."I'm older than her. Do I look older than her?" There are so many aspects of my life that didn't turn out the way I had planned. Not that I'm complaining about my life, because I feel very blessed and if I had followed the path I thought I should follow who knows where I would be now. However, could that be the reason that I feel so off kilter? Am I the only one who is confused? How is a woman in her 40's supposed to feel and act? Would I feel like this if I had already had kids? Maybe I would feel more like an adult if that were the case. Who knows? I do know that a positive pregnancy test would be THE most amazing birthday gift.