Lost

Have you ever felt like you weren't sure where your next breath was going to come from? Like the space around you is so full that you're suffocating, but you know there is plenty of air, you just can't figure out how to get it into your body. I'm putting on the "brave" face for everyone, smiling when I'm expected to smile, laughing when I'm expected to laugh, talking about daily events like my heart isn't broken, and then there are quiet moments like this when I realize just how lost I feel. And believe me, I know there are so many things that are so much worse than not having children.... for pete sake, one of my best friends beat cancer not long after she had her daughter, so I know there are worse things than being childless, but somehow that doesn't give me much comfort right now. The truth is that we are running out of options. I have another appointment with the fertility clinic on Friday. I'm not really sure why I'm going. My guess is that the Dr. is going to recommend tests that I probably don't need (have I shared how money grubbing they are? Have I shared how they charged me $40.00 to give me my progesterone injection....and I brought the meds, the needles, the alcohol wipes and the bandaids). Not only are we running out of options, but we're running out of time. I'm 41. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I'm way past the "cut off" date I'd given myself years ago. You know, I have these moments when I think I've even managed to convince myself that I'm okay....and then I realize that I'm not and I question how to put the puzzle back together again. Maybe the puzzle won't ever look the same. I haven't figured it out yet.