Happy Holidays!

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Now and Then

Almost one year ago we brought Scarlett home. This Sunday will be one year since Samson and I drove to pick up little tiny. Actually she's not quite so tiny anymore, small, but we still call her tiny. She makes me laugh everyday. And I remember these moments when I'm watching her pee on the carpet just inches from her pee pad. How she gets it one minute and not the next is beyond me, but she's cute and lucky for her. Everyday I come home from work wondering what she's going to surprise me with. Wednesday I came home to have Samson greet me at the door.... alone. Needless to say, I immediately thought "she's stuck somewhere." Sure enough, I hear barking coming from the back hallway. She had jumped over the baby gate and was sitting in the hallway between the bedrooms. Why she decided she needed to be back there I'll never know, but there she was, barking her head off. Aparently she couldn't make it back over. I then turn around to find Samson and he's sitting in the middle of the living room, where I see that two of the Christmas stockings are no longer hanging from the fireplace, but are now on the living room floor. And Samson's looking at me like "I don't know why you left those where she could get them and now she's on the other side of the baby gate and you know I didn't do this." There are the stockings I had just bought for them, chewed to bits. Not only that, but she had gutted one of their stuffed toys and there was stuffing all over the floor. It looked like it had snowed in the living room. And again, Sam is looking at me like "you got her, you did this, you clean it up." I swear if he could talk. So, I cleaned up the living room, while Sam watched and Scarlett tore into another toy. And I laughed. I hate that Jason misses these moments. Not so he could clean it up, because that wouldn't happen, but so he could laugh with me. These are the little things I remember when I'm having a bad day or I'm sad about our fertility problems. I wish everyone had these moments. And maybe everyone does and they don't stop to enjoy them. But they should.

F*$&

Can you swear on these blogs and not get tossed? Have you ever thought that if you started screaming you might not ever stop?????????? Well, that's where I'm at. We have no where near started our road down the fertility path and I'm about to lose it. We've been at this for over a year now. Over a year and we've only done 2 IUI's and we JUST found out about embryo adoption. Why the F*$& didn't our doctor tell us about this a year ago????????? Why did I have to start asking random questions that turned the light on in her head???????? Why on earth do they not lay out every single option you might be able to explore right up front? We could have explored some of these options months ago. Now, thousands of dollars later, we're finding out about more options. Good GOD, you would think this wouldn't be so difficult. There are thousands of girls out there getting pregnant who can no more raise a child than I can speak Russian and I can't F*$& get pregnant. I am so flipping angry I can't even find words. )(*&(*^*^*%*&%(&^%(*&

Ahhhhhhhhhh family

We're all going to Dad's place for the holidays... all the kids, all five of us, our spouses, four grandbabies and three dogs. My dad and step-mom have decided we need to take a "family photo." Oh joy! So, we've all been instructed to wear khaki or tan pants with white or blue shirts. So, basically we're all going to look like we work at the Olive Garden. Not that that's a bad thing... I was a hostess at the OG when I was in high school. However, I hate getting my picture taken. Hate it. Did I say I hate it? I'd rather go to the gyno quite frankly. And to make matters even worse, I weigh more now that I ever have (ok, not quite, but close enough) and I am fighing tooth and nail to get back to sitcking to weight watchers. It is such a tremendous battle for me. I don't know how I did it before and did it so well. I can't remember what motivated me and how I found the will power, but I can't for the life of me get it together now. So, I've got a handful of days to lose more weight than I want to admit and it's not going to happen. Be reasonable....that's what I keep telling myself. Two pounds a week and watch the Biggest Loser every Tuesday. Oy Vey!

Tis the season...

for people to lose their minds at the mall. It is truly unbelieveable to me how people behave before the holidays. Jason and I went to the mall today, and I'm constantly amazed at the crowds. All these people in one place to buy things for people that they don't need, or won't like. Isn't the holiday season supposed to be about the birth of a saviour and oil lasting 8 days instead of one night, about kindness and love and hope??? So, there I am in the mall, wandering....thinking about the progesterone shots my Dr. just told me I'd have to give myself ("big needle," she says. As opposed to the "small needle" I'll be using the 4 weeks prior for the lupron)....wondering how on earth I'm going to jab myself everday with this "big needle" (I hate needles)....and there's this baby, just sitting in a stroller, looking blissful...and I realize how I'm going to jab myself everyday with this "big needle." And then I think that a baby is the only gift I ever want to get, for the rest of my life... just one healthy baby. No more birthday, valentine's day, anniversary, chanukkah or christmas gifts.... just one baby this year and I'm good for eternity. I'm going to send my letter to Santa. Maybe he can get the message to the folks upstairs.

Rules to Live By...

The Rules
1. The female makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.

4. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.

7. If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.

8. The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.

9. The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.

10. The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.

14. The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.

15. The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or co-workers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.

16. If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviours she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behaviour.

17. Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not- withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defences, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.

Poked Again...

And not in a good way :) Just when I think they've tested all they can test.... I find out I need more tests. Now, getting 4 vials of blood may not seem like a big deal, but when you have non existant veins like mine, it's a pain, literally. BUT, I'd do it again in a second to get the baby we so hope for. I have 2 more Dr appointments this Friday and Jason has one more and then (hopefully) we're done with the testing. Then, I think, we start the meds. Actually I start the meds and then we pray. OK...we're in a constant state of prayer, but you get the picture. In the meantime, if I don't lose weight I'm really going to look like a weeble. You know, the ones that wobble but don't fall down, except that I'm clumsy so falling down would be an option for me. I've been off the Weight Watchers wagon for far too long and I need to get my fat butt back in shape. Jason and I have been talking about going to Italy next year and I'd like to look back at the pictures and not think about how fat I've gotten. Not to mention that my baby brother is finally getting married next May and I'm supposed to stand up for him. So, another set of pictures I'd like to look back at fondly. Anyway, that's the update for now.

Turkeys and Babies

Happy Turkey Day....or day after Turkey Day. We just finished putting up our tree. We usually buy the tree Thankgiving eve, but we held off this year. We did continue our tradition of getting up at an obscene hour (3:45 AM) to go shop for things we don't need. Somehow we're always done with our holiday shopping before Thanksgiving, yet we continue to wake up in the middle of the night to go shop. This is actually the first year we bought anything. Actually there were two more gifts we needed to get, but other than that, we bought a bunch of crap.

Today we had our meeting with the fertility counselor. I think things went pretty well. She was very nice and gave us some good questions to ask when we go back to the fertility clinic. Nothing too exciting, but I'm very anxious to start the process. Jason and I both have more blood work to do... which baffles me because I feel like we've both given enough blood to fill a blood bank. That said, if they want more blood, then that's what they'll get. Hopefully we'll be able to get the process started in the next few weeks and try for a baby in January.

Who knew ?

Who knew you could adopt embryos??????????? I think I'd heard something about it before because it didn't sound too unfamiliar when our fertility specialist mentioned it. I had yet another appointment with the fertility center this week. I told our doctor that we had been turned down for adoption and that we were thinking about using donor sperm since Jason's count is so erratic. I also told her that now that I was married, using donor sperm seemed a little strange. I had researched sperm banks when I was single and thinking about trying to get pregnant on my own, and was perfectly fine with the idea. Our doctor then said that she wasn't aware that we were considering these kinds of alternative options and asked if we knew about embryo adoption/donation. So, now we have an entirely new option to look at. When one door closes another one opens. This option seems to meet both of my desires: to actually get pregnant and have a baby and to adopt. And it's much less invasive and much less expensive than going through the in vitro process. I haven't told my parents about this option yet. I think they would both be supportive and encouraging, but I don't want anyone to know until we actually get pregnant. So, basically the only one who will know anything is my awesome friend Ramsey, who is the only one who gives a shit enough to actually read my blog. I feel like I'm writing her a letter every time I post something. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. We now have to get MORE tests done and hopefully we can get started in January!

Sad News

We found out today that we have not been approved to adopt internationally. I am devistated. Actually, devistated doesn't quite cover it. We are talking about pursuing alternative fertility methods, but sadly, I'm not hopeful that these procedures will work for us. If anyone has any suggestions about how I'm supposed to accept that I'm never having children please let me know.

Getting Ready For Halloween

"No, she's not kidding Scarlett...she's gonna make us wear these."

Flight of the bumblebee????????

"I'm confused....Do I have to keep this on?"

4 Months

later I decide to blog again. I'm not sure how 4 months have passed, but apparently they have. That's what happens when you're busy trying to get pregnant, adopt internationally and potty train a puppy (no, she's still not potty trained).

So, to get you caught up.... where do I begin??????

Getting pregnant...or not. We are still in the throws of trying to get pregnant. We've completed two IUI's (in-utero insemination's) without success. I was told I had 3 or 4 viable follicles for the first one and 6 viable follicles for the second. Then we had a snag with Jason's sperm count, one sample would be high and the next would be very low, so they tested his hormones. For some reason his hormone levels tested low so he went for an MRI. The MRI showed nothing. So, we have no clue why his hormones are fluctuating as drastically as they are. So, basically they've told us that we should start IVF (in-vitro fertilization). That's only gonna run $15K per shot, with no guarantees.

We've also started the international adoption process. We think we've found an internationally agency that will accept us and won't take 2 years. We've turned in all of our paperwork to INS and now we're waiting for our invitations to have our fingerprints done. Can you believe they actually send you an invitation? The INS approval process takes about 3 months so hopefully we'll know by the end of October if we're going to be able to continue down the adoption path. We've applied for Vietnam and have been doing a lot of reading up on the country (OK, I've been doing a lot of reading up). We bought a great book on domestic/international adoption and it seems as if it will be very helpful if we're approved. We've even narrowed down our baby name list. I really need to call my friend Ramsey for help with names. She's so creative I know she'll come up with some great ones. If, for some un-Godly reason we're not approved for adoption then we'll start the IVF procedures in October or November.

In the meantime, I've been trying to potty train Scarlett. She's doing better, however, we've discovered that any little change to her routine completely throws her off and it takes her days to recover. So when we go to KY to see Jason or Jason comes home, she's pooping in the house for the next 48 hours. We also discovered that all Scarlett got from our puppy classes at Pet Smart was how to be afraid of other dogs. She's fine with Sam and one or two dogs in our complex, other than that....not a fan of dogs. Wasn't like that before Pet Smart. I should write them a thank you note. She's very sweet and LOVES people, not puppies. So, one more thing for me to deal with.

In the middle of all of this I started working at a residential treatment facility for juvenile, male, sex offenders. I actually love the work, but don't get paid shit. Working 45+ hours a week for no money sucks, but like I said, I do love working with the kids. It's been very interesting and an amazing learning experience.

OK...so, now you're all caught up. Lucky you :)

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

Why is it that just when we get any kind of positive news about fertility or adoption it's followed by something negative??????????? We got the news today that we are NOT eligible to adopt from Korea. In fact, it looks like the only country we could possibly qualify for is Vietnam. I feel like we just got the doors of 30 countries slammed in our faces. It's so hard not to be frustrated, and angry, and sad. And then I feel like I'm ungrateful, because I do have so many blessings. But I want a baby and I want one now (flash to Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka).

Finally, some good news!

Well, our journey down the fertility path has been quite frustrating thus far (and we're only just beginning). We were referred to a fertility clinic and I took the initial appointment by myself. I've already discussed the tests I had done, and now it's Jason's turn. He's had his sperm analyzed twice so far. The first time, through my gynocologists office and the second through the fertility clinic. The first test showed that he had strong swimmers, but low overall volume. The second test showed low volume as well. We got two very different reports from the fertility clinic about the results of the second tests. First we were told that basically, Jason had no viable sperm. Needless to say we were devistated. Then, I called the clinic back to ask more questions and was told by the director of the lab that he did have viable sperm, but that the volume was low so we might need toYconsider in vitro, but we should sit down with the doctor. In the meantime, Jason FINALLY got in to see the urologist. We had him read the analysis results and he said that his "swimmers" were strong, and moving in the right direction, but that we needed to increase the volume. SO.... how, I ask you, does a fertility clinic allow a couple to walk out of their office thinking they won't be able to concieve when that very well may not be the case. I was LIVID! However, we were overjoyed at the news from the urologist. So, now we have some hope. Jason will need to have more tests run so we can see if there's a pattern and if we can get his volume up. Finding male fertility supplements is not easy, let me tell ya. We're still waiting to hear back from the adoption agency about Korea. They said they were checking with their office in Korea and we would know something in the next week or two. GOD bless, everyone going through this process. It requires courage, stamina, and a whole lot of faith.

Adoption

After many months struggling to get pregnant Jason and I have decided to start walking down the adoption path. I always thought I would adopt, it was more a matter of would I get pregnant first or would I adopt first. I have to admit, I completely took for granted that I would be able to conceive. I thought I would go off the pill and be pregnant within a week. No... I'm not kidding. So, needless to say it's been quite a struggle trying to wrap my head around the possiblility that I may not ever being pregnant. Jason and I are still going to try to have a baby, but in the meantime we have started contacting adoption agencies. The first thing we have to do is figure out which countries we are eligible to adopt in. Then we have to figure out which of those countries we would like to pursue. Unfortunately we're not eligible to adopt from China. Korea is also at the top of our list and we're trying to figure out if we will meet their criteria. We're keeping our fingers crossed that we get good news this week. Jason is coming home this weekend and we'll pour through the adoption brouchures and try to begin the task of sorting through the countries. All of these children are beautiful. What I have learned so far is this....the children from Korea are provided with outstanding health care. I've been told it's on par with the U.S. and Canada. Extensive background and medical information is also provided. Ethiopia also has a wonderful program from what I understand, as does Guatemala. We have considered Russia and the Ukarine, however, the level of care the children receive is horrible. Which, really means that those are the children who need homes immediately. I can already tell that this process will be pulling at our heart strings and we will have to make some very difficult decisions. So, here we are, at the beginning of a very long road. We'll keep you posted and hopefully be bringing you some very good news sometime in the not so distant future.

The Secret

How is it that before I turned 40 it seemed as though I had my life together and now....not so much. Yes, prior to 40 there were some things that needed fine tuning, some things more than others, but for the most part I was doing fairly well. I had a good job, I was doing well in school, I still had the great pad with the coolest dog on the planet.
Now....I have my Master's degree but can't find a job in my field. My husband, who was supposed to be working in Nashville, is now going to be working in Ohio. It's a great job with amazing benefits, but out of town. Can someone explain to me how we go about getting pregnant while we live in 2 different states??????
Speaking of pregnancy...we're having trouble. The testing is really taking a toll on Jason and the thought of not having a baby is taking a toll on me. I've always been very open to adoption, but was also always very excited about being pregnant. Now, pregnancy may not be an option and Jason is not excited at the thought of adoption.....so that could mean no kids. Someone, anyone, please tell me how I reconcile that one.
Fortunately we're both healthy, and I've actually lost some weight....but I have been wayyyyyyyy off track with Weight Watchers these last few weeks. I hate to say that the only part of me that's looking forward to Jason leaving is that it's good for my diet.
The puppy...Scarlett.....not potty trained. And she was a royal bitch (no pun intended) at puppy class last night. Growling and hissing at all the other puppies. That was a new one. She's very cute and very cuddly, but the world is her toilet.
I know I'm blessed. And I just started reading "The Secret"....great theory, but the book is very redundant....probably trying to pound the message into my impossibly hard head. I'm just at the part where they explain how to actually put it into action. Wish me luck. Somehow I have to figure out how to ask for what I want instead of telling the Universe what I don't want. Put out only positive. I think I can, I think I can.......

My Mid Life Crisis

I'm here to tell ya folks, the mid life crisis is real. I think I've actually been experiencing it for about a year now, but I think I've just now been able to recognize it for what it is. As I approach my 40th birthday I am experiencing an increasing sense of panic. From the outside I think it looks like I've had a great life, an exciting career with all the bells and whistles that comes along with working in the entertainment field. My life hasn't been terrible by any means. My family is somewhat sane (on the family sanity scale), I've had jobs that pay well even though they made me miserable. I have a wonderful condo and an amazing dog (the verdict is still out on the new puppy). I'm in good health except for the fat factor. It just seems that when I reach a crossroad in life I typically choose the wrong path. I think the only thing I tend to choose wisely have been my friends (thank GOD for that!) The reality is that I've always wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to have dinner ready when my husband came home and carpool the kids to school and attend PTA meetings. I wanted to be the mom that brought cupcakes to school and had my husbands boss over for dinner. Not that I wanted to be a docile wife who followed her husband around and slaved for her family, but I guess there was a part of me that wanted to be June Clever. I thought I would have a career until I had kids and then I would be a full time mom until they went to school. For someone who said they wanted family to be a priority, it appears that every decision I made since high school steered me away from being June. If you want to get married and have kids you don't go into the music business. If you want to be married and have children you don't work 18 hour days surrounded by people who also work 18 hour days and who, for the most part don't want to be married or to have children. So, here I sit, looking 40 in the face, semi-newly married, with no children. I've been to the fertility clinic and had the "major" tests run. My eggs are there, my cycles are regular and my tubes are open. My husband is also going through the process, although not as quickly as I would like. His doctors are slow (the VA) and he's no speed demon either. My sense of panic is at an all time high and I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand. The question I keep asking myself is "What have I done?" I am terrified that I won't have children. So now I'm faced with trying to reconcile my life without having children. How do I paint that new picture in my head? How do I let go of a dream that I've had for as long as I can remember? I think the cartoon above says it all..... There was a time when I looked at people who claimed they were having a mid life crisis and thought hey were full of shit. They left their partners, had affairs, bought sports cars or expensive jewlrey, they quit their jobs, went on lavish vacations, dressed as if they were 20. Now I understand...these people looked back on their lives and freaked when they realized that 40 or so years had passed and they had taken the time for granted. They had made choices they regreted or they simply re-evaluated their lives, re-prioritized, and wanted to make sure they completed certain tasks before their lives were over. They weren't full of shit afterall...they just had an awakening.

Facing 40 (part II)...

Oy Vey... how is it that I am really just weeks away from 40? I really think that any moment I am going to wake up and be 32. Really. I know I'm 32 and someone, somewhere has screwed up the math (and as bad as I am at math, I know I wouldn't have made this kind of mistake). I did make myself one promise, and I'm almost reluctant to write about it because I have a tendency to self-sabatoge....but I made myself a promise that I wouldn't turn 40 weighing what I then weighed. I knew it wasn't realistic to think that I could fit into my old jeans by my birthday, however I did want to weigh less than a certain number (that will remain un-announced.) I just might make it. It turns out that it was a realistic goal. Now I just have to stay on track. Cross your fingers and say a prayer. I would love to go into summer being able to wear my "old" clothes.

I'm still not sleeping. Baby Scarlett is very vocal so letting her scream at night is only an option if I want to take the chance that my neighbors will show up at my door with guns drawn. She's actually very vocal about everything. She barks at me to feed her, she barks because she wants out of her kennel or playpen. She barks at Sam (or me) to play with her. Basically she's a bitchy little diva, but she's cute. And they do play together well. I happened to glance up and catch them both on the pillows in our living room looking up at me and somehow managed to snap a picture with my cell phone before they both moved. They look like they're no trouble don't they?????????